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24 Tweets Guaranteed To Make You Laugh

Twitter is a little like your family’s Thanksgiving dinner: you can’t leave even though you want to, people aren’t as funny as they think they are, and there are a whole lot of racists. But every once and a while, you can pick through the 3,000 accounts of people with Pepe icons and find some stuff that’s actually funny and relevant.

n this apocalyptic train wreck of a year, where we have been forced to face the specters of nuclear war, global climate change, rampant sexual assault, and the Emoji movie, we all desperately need a laugh. So, here at Providr, we’ve searched through our collective Twitter feed and found the 24  tweets that make us laugh the most.

After all, sometimes, you gotta laugh or you’ll cry.

As a survivor of the Gifted Program, let me tell you: not only would many gifted kids think their toothbrushes are haunted, but they would go to school, convince all the other kids that their toothbrushes are haunted too, and when their teacher tells them to stop saying that, write a four-page essay about why they’re right. 

Halloween is over, you say? Well, Halloween can be year-round if you keep the spirit of the season in your heart and also if you’re already an undead creature desperately holding on to some pretense of life while wearing clothes that look like someone dug them up from a deep crypt!

Honestly, after the year’s endless montage of Woke Male Feminists™ “I didn’t see women as people until I had a daughter” quotes, this tweet is both what we need and what we deserve. 

When you’re making a pun around new people, the “steaks” are high. Sure, they might laugh, but there’s always the chance you’ll butcher it, or maybe that it’s one they’ve already “herd”. The point is, it’s probably best not to tell puns to someone right when you “meat” them (am I doing this right?)

One time, I spent a good half an hour pretending that I had no idea why the group of 9-year-olds I was teaching were laughing at the word “meatballs”; they kept saying “Get it? It’s meatBALLS,” in more and more aggrieved tones. Finally, one of them yelled out, “IT’S WHAT BOYS HAVE!” and I said, without a pause, “You know, girls can play sports too.” I have never seen an angrier group of children in my life.

Honestly, as a writer, I wouldn’t even have to do this deliberately. The would-be thief would look at my history, see “can a body dissolve in acid” and “how hard do you have to hit someone to break their bones,” without me around to insist that it’s just for a story and immediately conclude that I’m much more threatening than I actually am.

The really funny thing about this tweet is that it has a long trail of comments asserting that the best way to end an oppressive regime is, indeed, hugging and kissing an oppressive regime until it dies from smiling too much. How’s that working out for you in late 2017, folks?

Okay, I’ve got a question, umamiskeleton’s funny response aside. If this advertisement adheres to industry standards about truth and nondeceptive claims, then The Big Bang Theory must indeed have “Funny.” The question then becomes: where are they hiding it? ‘Cause it’s sure not in the show itself!

I’m 90% sure that this tweet is an exaggeration but, as someone who spent a long time working in the food service industry, there’s that little 10% of me whispering, “You know, it’s no weirder than the time a mom started changing her kid’s diaper on one of your tables.”

As someone who has worked with preteens, I’m pretty sure that Riley (age 12) knew exactly what they were doing when they sculpted their masterpiece, and I knew that they passed it over to their teacher with a grin and no regrets. Keep doing you, Riley. Keep doing you.

Other than this response, the funniest thing in the comments of the original tweet was someone who was obviously very offended by this person making fun of white male journalists snippily asking, “What if I asked what the collective noun for a group of black female journalists,” as if news media has a problem with an overabundance of black female journalists.

 

Well, I was going to have my gravestone read, “Died doing what she loved best: cycling on the side of the freeway while slurping an XL iced coffee from her cupholder and crying along to Ke$ha’s latest album,” but if that’s too long, then I guess this is a good backup.

“One was a sporty/casual look mannequin, and one was a semiformal/cozy mannequin. They thought they had nothing in common. But, one day, their hands touched beneath the 50% off sale sign, and their hearts opened like a previously-locked changeroom. Will true love be enough to overcome their differences? More than Plastic, coming 2018.”

As a journalist who strives for impartial, unbiased coverage and who is part of a politically-neutral news source, I can’t comment one way or the other about whether the statement is a compliment or an insult. All I can say for sure is that it’s definitely one of those things!

One time, my younger sister spent 45 minutes trying to convince me that a coconut is a mammal because it has milk, hair, and meat. Let me tell you, my mother has never been more confused than when she came into the room to hear me shouting “Phylogeny-based morphology is not an accurate way to do science, idiot!”

And if you don’t feel like going to jail for your “nonconsensual assisted suicide,” why not play some “nonconsensual hide and seek” with police officers and maybe make some “nonconsensual bank withdrawals” and some “nonconsensual personal monetary transfers” to keep yourself funded?

More like: “These are the people who you’ll see on Facebook getting married, prompting you to have your own internal crisis about how you can’t even commit to which Subway sandwich to buy and you have $47.50 in your checking account and/or have to unfollow because they’re constantly promoting what you’re pretty sure is a pyramid scheme.”

“These patients are desperate,” a pharmacist and diabetes educator in Texas explained. “They do without their insulin, skip doses, lower their prescribed dose to stretch out the insulin they have, and end up in the emergency room or ICU with long-term complications such as kidney failure, leg amputations or vision problems.” (via Consumerist) Yep, that sounds like a functional, reasonable country to me!

You know, when I start to worry about how the end of net neutrality could bring an end to the internet as we know it, choking out small content creators and enslaving us all to Comcast and Verizon’s tyranny, I look at quotes like this and say, “Yep, maybe we deserved it.”

Twitter, on the President of the United States, retweeting an anti-Muslim video that clearly violates several of their usage guidelines: “The controversial Britain First tweets will remain visible for everyone to see on the President’s profile because they allow users to “see every side of an issue.’”

1001: calling me in person
1002: calling me in person with the opening phrase, “Do you have a minute to talk about something important?”
1003: performing an interpretive dance outside my bedroom at night to communicate the intent of your message, wearing only a mime mask.
1004: calling me in person from a number I don’t recognize.

See, the funniest part about this tweet is that it took people protesting and legislating to stop child labor in the 1800’s, and it took massive public opinion shifts to end America’s participation in the Vietnam War in the mid-1900’s. People getting offended is literally always what’s driven social change. But a few people said you were racist for using the n-word so go off, I guess?

*tv charity commercial voice* Isn’t anyone going to think of the poor millionaires and billionaires, who rely on unprecedented tax cuts to fund their seventeenth mortgage? Who needs to scrape together the cash to pay off politicians so they can give them even more money? In this season of need…give generously to those who truly need your charity *sad string music*

Mr. Oliveira, your incisive tweet is out of date by now. At the end of the year of our Lord 2017, all the cool kids have started making guillotine jokes. Hanging seems…just so passé, the relic of a simpler time.

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