Statistics just got way cool.\
Instagrammer Matt Shirley has become popular for his homemade graphs, which he posts every day.
But unlike boring old high-school statistics, Shirley’s graphs chart the highs and lows of adult life, from crappy commutes to exhausting exercise.
The very first poster that Shirley posted to social media! Unfortunately, he doesn’t ask the real chapstick questions, like, “where is the elephant graveyard that old chapsticks go to?” “Why does going without chapstick for even a single day make you feel like your lips have fallen off and your gums are bleeding?” and “What the hell goes into EOS to make it so expensive, shredded-up Google stocks?”
You know, if you try hard enough and invite the wrong people to your parties, you can manage to disappoint your family in New Year’s too!
This is either an adorable Venn Diagram or the world’s most awkward family picture. Seriously, the baby narwhal is reaching out to one parent while completely ignoring the other, and I think that’s a little concerning. Great, now I’m worried about whether this entirely fictional family needs family therapy.
All of these locations are still superior to “breaking up loudly over some wilted-lettuce sandwiches at a popular fast-food place as a beleaguered student attempts to study at the table right next to you,” which is, unbelievably, a situation that I have witnessed firsthand.
Personally, I think that “Recess” should complete the Math/Gym trifecta and be renamed “Kids with Limited Social Skills Get Humiliated In Front Of Crushes.” …Actually, when you think about it, school is just a long progression of ways that your limited skills can embarrass you in front of your crushes to prepare you for adulthood, where you have to learn to embarrass yourself in front of crushes on your own time.
14: All Of The Bags Of Cheap Rice You Bought In An Attempt To Be Healthy And Economical But Which Just Sit There Now On The Shelf Tormenting You With Your Bad Decisions, Much Like The Chorus In A Greek Tragedy. 15. More Cookbooks.
The Commute Cycle graph is exactly the same if you’re commuting via public transit, but one of the intermediate stages becomes “fantasize about how much better life would be if you had a car even though you know deep within your heart that the eternal misery of commuting would probably be exactly the same.”
Shirley forgot the part of the coffee cycle where you realize that you’ve probably had too much coffee, look up the dosage of caffeine it takes to kill an adult on WebMD, attempt to calculate whether you’ve exceeded it or just met it, and then shrug and go back to work with a medically-concerning tremor going through your entire right side. But other than that, pretty accurate!
This graph was posted on the day after Daylight Savings resumed. Ironically, the one bar that would be taller than any of the bars on the chart would be “people complaining about common things that people say when Daylight Savings resumes, unaware that they themselves are contributing to the inane conversation that they claim to hate.”
And, even longer than the microwave minute, the “attempting to remember the names of family members that you only see once a year during the holiday reunion before your parents come to your rescue and mention their name in passing” minute and the “five seconds later when your Very Serious Farmer Uncle asks you to explain your job, and you desperately try to make your office job sound like it’s actually work” minute.
You know how every time you bake a boxed mix you hear that little voice in your head confidently telling you that you know the ingredients and instructions from last time and that you’re being responsible by throwing the box out early because it means less mess to clean up later? Well, that’s the devil talking, and Shirley recognizes that.
“Have I been hit by a car and am I bleeding out on the street, potentially mortally wounded, while you’re desperately trying to get in touch with the people most important to me to let them know that I might not make it and that they should prepare for the possibility of my loss in whatever way they know how?” Still no!
Another neglected contender for “longest possible minute”: the wait time between telling your mother the (generously edited) facts about your current life situation and her response that lets you know whether or not she believes all of your b.s. Hint: she probably does not, and she will probably spend the rest of the call probing your points of weakness to figure out exactly how little you are sleeping and how much caffeine you have been consuming.
My only beef here is the slice in green. Listen, if I die while eating pizza, I expect you to bury the whole pie with me so that I can have snacks to carry into the Great Unknown Country with me. Whoever said “You can’t take it with you” clearly didn’t know about the supernatural joys of a good, thick-crust Hawaiian with garlic dip.
As a woman, I can guarantee that complimenting me on the attractiveness of my feet would fill me with a sheer, visceral fear beyond anything else that I can think of. At least commenting on someone’s chest doesn’t tell them far too much about your personal life and preferences?
How To Dance Well (as re-written by a millennial whose entire social circle is wracked with social anxiety and is probably far more concerned about looking stupid than judging anyone’s dance moves, and who also lives in a world on the edge of the nuclear apocalypse): Just dance badly! Trust me, it’s probably not going to kill you!
As an older sibling, I’m overwhelmed by both the truth and the injustice of this photo. At the same time, Shirley forgot the stage where the youngest sibling tells your parents about how unfair it is that you won’t allow them to play with you, five minutes after they ratted on you like the little traitors they are. (“I’m not bitter”, I say bitterly, with a bitter expression.)
One time, I went to summer camp with a kid who brought his dad’s $90 Ray Bans on our backwoods canoe trip. Watching them fall off his face during the first portage, and subsequently watching him try to beat the kid who distracted him right before that happened with a paddle while yelling that he was going to kill him, had more tragedy and drama than any Shakespeare play.
I think that this chart is a little unfair. It’s 2017, we need not be confined to the traditional structure of an adult workweek and the expectations contained therein. If you’ve got the vision to see beyond the constraints that society places on you and the courage to follow your dreams, you can destroy your body with food and/or alcohol any day of the week!
I think my favorite thing about this chart is the sweet, naive assumption here that I would go for a run on a route containing even one hill, let alone multiple hills. (My second favorite thing is that the energy, motivation, and “will to live” categories all share one line, and it’s a flatline).
No word here about how depressing it is to be on a party bus that catches fire, forcing you to abandon both the bus and your dreams of having a fun evening to stand in the cold, sobering light of the streetlamps, as it happened in downtown Vancouver several days ago. But that’s probably pretty depressing, right?
Videos of fireworks happening at concerts are the ultimate in boring, questionably-lighted, overly-loud Snapchat videos. The only thing that could make the combination of these two things worse is if you somehow managed to bring in the awkward, smeary light from videos of people holding birthday cakes!
Is this person you’re on a date with so terrifyingly, overwhelmingly cool that you’re a little intimidated, and you’re desperately concerned about not making a fool of yourself because you really, really want there to be a second date? Have you tried the world’s most effective anxiety cure, having a drink?
See, you can tell that Shirley was one of the cool kids because, in this graph, the level of anxiety somehow goes down during recess instead of spiking so unbearably high that it clips off the charts due to a combination of First-Day Is My Outfit Cool Anxiety and First-Day Have My Friends Gotten Together Over The Summer To Plot Against Me Anxiety.
The eclipse may have happened months ago, but our memory of the once-in-a-lifetime event remains strong, as does the permanent, devastating nerve damage. If you’d like to destroy the limited vision you still possess, don’t worry: the next partial eclipse is only a few months away, and can be seen from easily-accessible Antarctica!