Welcome to the greatest collection of Dad Jokes on the internet. Not only have I collected some of the finest of dad joke pictures on the internet, but I have also accrued a vast knowledge of dad jokes myself over the years. However, until I trick someone into giving me their child, I must give my dad jokes to you, my metaphorical children.
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that each picture dad joke will be accompanied by a text dad joke, which is a grand total of 50 dad jokes! Lucky you! Heck, sometimes I might put two jokes in one! Who knows, the possibilities are endless!
Sit back friends, relax and enjoy 25 Jokes Only A Real Dad Could Make.
1. What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Think there’s no punchline here? Let me continue: It has 2 letters. And has 3 letters. Then has 4 letters. Often has 5 letters. Rarely has 6 letters. Usually has 7 letters. Saturday has 8 letters. Generally has 9 letters. Definitely has 10 letters. Furthermore has 11 letters. Occasionally has 12 letters. Traditionally has 13 letters. Get it?
2. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked, how warm? I said Lukewarm.
3. My girlfriend is turning 32 soon… I’ve told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”
4. My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” I looked at her blankly and said: Well that’s a strange way to start a conversation with me.”
5. ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
ME: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?
ME: No, it was with a knife…
6. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
7. Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi. Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
Why is Yoda such a good gardener? He has a green thumb.
And why can’t you count on him to pick up the tab? He’s always a little short.
8. I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Jake.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
9. The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. They have to scream: “Donald, duck!”
10. When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with a brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he’s suffering from a rare disease. He’s suffering from the dreaded Parking Son’s disease.
11. My girlfriend and I were at the grocery store when…we’re heading through the store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says “Ooh! Mentos!”. I say: “I already have Mentos.” “Really? Where?” she asks and I reply: “On my men feet!”
12. I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to get “saved” or you’ll “burn.” Dang firemen.
13. Apparently, the poster’s family ran out of candles for their 19th birthday, so their dad decided that this candle would be “4” their birthday. There you go, hopefully, I cleared up any confusion.
14. A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…First, he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
15. We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?” I replied: Why would I want two empty glasses?
16. My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach…“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
17. Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year. For efficiency’s sake, send your kids out to look for eggs that aren’t there.
18. I asked my dad how to get girls and he said to use this pickup line: Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline.
19. Back when I got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and I went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag. When we were done eating, I took it out but didn’t unwrap it, and then I sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn’t that unusual. She picks up the phone and says, “Oh hello, why are you calling?” To which I respond, “Oh I just felt like… [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring.”
20. My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, choking back the tears, I said, “Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are…” Independant.
21. Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire:
Dad: “Here’s something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it”
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: “I don’t believe you but would you care to elaborate”
Dad: “Its true! I saw it with my own eyes”
22. My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said… “Oh, he will, sweetheart. He will”.
23. How do you distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile? Just ask if you’ll see it later or in a while.
24. I went into my son’s room to see that it was unusually clean and looked fresh. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope: “Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!”
25. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She must be really mad because she’s still not talking to me!
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