No, this isn’t your reaction to yet another Jake Bean article, but the sound of 20,000 fans screaming as you strut down the ramp, The VWL Ultra Infinity Championship resting on your shoulder. Your good friend Vince DiCallister, producer and millionaire, decided to open up this Wrestling company and you owed him a favor. So, looks like you’re the heel of this darn division, which sucks because you already have a low self-esteem and the booing isn’t helping. Then again, you’re not really helping the booing.
“Hey, listen up New JERK” you say, proving my point as the fans in Madison Square Garden lose their minds with hatred “I want you to know that like it or not, I AM the FUTURE of the Vince Wrestling League. And there is NOTHING you idiot New Yorkers or ANYONE backstage can do about it!”
Suddenly, the shake of tambourines is heard. A rap beat starts to crawl in slowly as the crowd goes absolutely, positively crazy with boos. They hate you because they’re SUPPOSED to hate you, but they hate this guy even more. He’s an old-timer who wasn’t even that cool when he first started rising to the top, but he’s as face as faces come and… you know when you see a new couple and they’re so into each other it makes you wanna puke? Just the sweetness of it all makes you feel like you’re going to get diabetes? That’s how these people think about this faux-soldier, wannabe loser.
Anyways, this is 25 People Living So Darn Far In The Future.
1. The speeds this guy can reach must be unfathomable! Your rival takes the mic, adjusts his lame hat and looks out to a sea of vicious boos and jeers. A chant of his last name plus “Sucks” has started up and you’re smiling from ear to ear. He shakes his head and puts the mic to his lips: “Do you really think this guy is the future of this company? Is he like a roller skate on a scooter?” The boos seem to die down a bit, probably because he’s talking about you and not himself.
2. Big Brother is always watching. “Now, I’m no spring chicken myself. I don’t make my profile pic and cover photo match up or anything, but what I do know is that THEY” the ex-champion points at you “Can’t be the future of this company!”
3. The worst part is that he used up all his Good Boy points to get chicken tenders and his idiot mother brought home nuggets. Again. “The future of this company should be innovative, like eating chicken nuggets from an ice cube tray. They should embody everything the VWL stands for– hustle, loyalty and making money”. The crowd starts to cheer instead of boo at this old veteran from the early 2000s. Uh oh. Gotta win them back… ish.
4. How hard could it be to take the trash to the curb? Very hard, according to the driver in this picture. “Listen up you washed up old man” you start, garnering some cheers from the people at Madison Square Garden. “Your insults are as lazy and tired as driving your car down the driveway to take out the trash. Which is probably the only way you can do it, considering your hips and back are probably going”. Boom, it’s like a cheer bomb went off. Time to bring it home, champ.
5. Efficient and adorable. Don’t you wish you had this good boy in your house? “Why don’t you go on backstage, tell Vince you’re done and go home and enjoy retirement? Tie some stuff to your dog so you don’t have to move those old, arthritic bones of yours! Face it buddy– as much as you might have been liked in 2008, these people have turned on you. Time to leave the world of wrestling to the young, okay?”
6. I hear that chocolate milk is higher in protein than regular milk. I am of course potentially making this all up, but who cares? It’s the internet, find a study that you like and live by it! The veteran (of wrestling, NOT the army) stares daggers at you from the end of the ramp. You’re not scared though, if this dinosaur of wrestling wants to throw down then you’ll throw down, you don’t care. Suddenly, he takes a swig of his chocolate milk, throws off his T-Shirt and barrels down towards you.
7. Why is it squiggly? Am I missing something about future technology here? Is this what the kids call “cyberpunk”? BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! Punches fly back and forth as the crowd goes wild. Why, this is as crazy as an iPod taped to the back of your head! Your rivals manages to throw you from the ring, prompting him to taunt and the crowd to boo.
8. Um, maybe I’m missing something here because I don’t take the subway often, but what’s the point of this? So he can sleep? Or so his hat stays on? Luckily for you, your character is a heel. You look under the ring and there it is– your trademark plunger. In one swift movement, you smash the plunger over the distracted veteran’s head, launching him to the ground. You look at the crowd– they know what’s coming next. You grasp the handle with two hands and raise it above your head. It’s time for the declogger.
9. Now THAT’S the right way to wait in line! Take a good look at this innovative genius. Don’t even think about calling her lazy, you know you’d do this too. “NO CHANCE, YOU WILL HAVE NO CHANCE” The crowd roars as Vince DiCallister’s entrance music starts to play. Fat people on chairs (i.e. your target demographic) manage to pull themselves to their feet they’re so excited.
10. Woah dude, Dave is really committed to his job! Hey Dave, you know you’re allowed to sit down and blink right? What a trooper, we should give him a raise! Vince grabs a mic, followed by his crew of cardboard security and points a finger at you. “If you bring that plunger down, that championship of yours is vacated and you’re FIRED!!!” Vince growls with his trademark throaty voice. Reluctantly, you put it down. The veteran sees his opportunity to escape and rolls from the ring, flailing his way up the ramp and crying.
11. Laziness is the mother of innovation. Just take a look at this man sipping beer like he’s from the year 2049. “They. Were. Mean. To. Me. And. So. Was. The. Crowd. Was. Mean. Too. They. Booed. Me. And. I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. A. Wrestler. Anymore.” Each period in that sentence was a new sob, said over the mic by the ex-champion veteran. Vice rubs his head, cooing and giving him his sippy straw like the one in the picture. “Don’t worry little guy” Vince says stroking the veteran. “I’ll take care of the mean ol’ champion and crowd for you”.
12. And now, get the brain implant that just releases pain every time you’re not eating at Burger King! Remember: have it your way, as long as we control which way that is! Vince wrinkles his face in anger as the Veteran cries quietly into his suit jacket. He raises the mic to his lips and says to the crowd: “Listen you cheeseburger through owning LOSERS, you better cheer for this guy or you’re FIIIIRREEEEDDD!” The crowd goes silent. They need their jobs, jeez they have families to feed.
13. Well, at least SOMEONE is still using Segways! “And as for YOU” he says, pointing at, who else, you “if you don’t march down here and hand that championship to its RIGHTFUL owner you’ll be pushing a lawnmower on a Segway! By which I mean you’ll be FIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDD-dah”.
14. Yeah, the future of LAZINESS, sure. It looks like this movie-goer didn’t throw away their garbage when it was right there in front of them! Why?! What are you gonna do? You need this job too, heck, you’ve got cola and candy to buy! Like a disgruntled theatre employee who has to clean up a lazy person’s garbage, you step from the ring and walk towards Vince, who is smiling wide and proud.
15. Stare forward with your tongue out and receive your ice cream, like a future person from an age where we’ll be taking flights to Mars. Glass smashes over the speakers and the crowd goes absolutely mental. By god, it’s the only man who can stand up to Vince DiCallister, the cold as ice cream beer swilling, curse flinging, stunner himself– Frickin’ Freezing Fred Fancy!
16. Yes, the place comes with a pool. Sure, you could say it’s above ground. Does anyone else feel vertigo from looking at this picture? Frickin’ Freezing Fred Fancy already has a mic in his hand, so he launches right into it: “Don’t you take another darn step there, champ” the crowd replies with: WHAT?. “Now, call me a balcony pool makin’ redneck, but I don’t think giving your championship away to some washed up loser cause the bossman wants it is right!” WHAT?
17. Now that’s what I call a potential for a rude awakening. I hope this man doesn’t have any pranksters in his family. He’s so vulnerable! “And I might fall asleep in that pool sometimes” WHAT “That’s what my wife says she says what, but I believe that a championship has to be WON, not taken. What do you think, good people of New York City?” Cheers, roars and chants of “WHAT” echo through the crowd.
18. Mmm, there’s nothing like lemony public water fountain germs! Probably feels like you’re sipping on fancy restaurant water. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it! “What was that people of NYC?” WHAT? “That’s what I’m asking you I’m asking what?” WHAT?. “Do the good people here in Madison Square garden think ol’ Vince is being as sour as a lemon? If you think so gimme a heck yeah!” HECK YEAH!
19. Who needs bowls when you can do what this mad genius did and eat like a king: straight from the box? “THAT’S ENOUGH!” screams Vince, cradling his poor ex-champion “This display is as disgusting as eating cereal with milk out of the box! It would taste like wet cardboard! You say one more word Fred Fancy and you’re FIRRRED!”
20. Jeez, you could probably only afford like three of those business cards because of all that color ink and printing costs. Unless you were Bill Gates or something. With that, both the crowd and Fred Fancy go quiet. He raises his hands, defeated and struts down the ramp to meet Vince and the champ. He goes to hand them his high tech business card, which after a moment, Vince accepts…
21. There’s nothing better than bathing in dirty dishwater and old food. AND BOOM! Frickin’ Freezing Fred Fancy hits the chairman with his finisher: The Frickin’ Fancy Flip. In two seconds, Vince DiCallister is on his back like he’s washing dishes in the bathtub. The champ tries to escape, but Fred Fancy turns and quickly hits him with the Frickin’ Fancy Flip. The crowd is going absolutely insane.
22. Look at how proud of himself he is, what a true testament to a hard working man! With the quickness and efficiency of this guy in the picture, Fred Fancy slides up into the ring, where you ready yourself. Instead, he prompts the crowd for some cola, smashes two in his hands and pours it into his mouth. You’re really starting to like this guy!
23. Great way to give people access to your air drop… then again I have no idea how Air Drop works… He prompts the crowd for two more colas and like someone air dropping you to be quiet he goes to hand one to you, drawing a silence from the crowd. This could be your big turn, from a champion everyone hates to a face champion that’s well liked! Slowly, you extend your hand to grab the cola…
24. It’s because he flip flops a lot, get it? Are we tired of the Trump jokes yet or do we have to do this dance for three more years? AND BOOM! Fancy Fred DROPS you with the Frickin’ Fancy Flip! Gee, this guy flip flops more than the President!
25. Pictured: The Burger King way of making their flame-grilled burgers. So the stage is set for VinceMania and the heat is on like taking an iron to a burger. It’s you versus the Veteran for the VWL Ultra Infinity Championship, in a Heck in a Cell match with Frickin Freezing Fancy Fred as the referee! Of course, this isn’t the main event, it’s a triple threat Heck in A Cell for the Way Better Women’s Championship, but this is the state of modern wrestling.
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