After a long and brutal campaign, it’s finally over. You’re the President of the United States.
Well, this sucks! This isn’t as fun as you thought it was going to be AT ALL. You thought you’d be declaring wars, speaking to aliens, going on adventures with the FBI, you know, cool stuff! But all you do is sign papers and get yelled at, you want out! You could resign, but then people would just make fun of you even more! You COULD get involved in a scandal, but you’re afraid in this internet age no one would bat an eye at a major scandal. You sigh deeply. I guess you’ll have to wait out the four years.
Your sleazy campaign manager, Sally Slitherman, snakes her way into the oval office. “Presssssident Reader, I have some urgent businesssssss for you to attend too”. You perk up a little, but then sink when you see the gigantic file in Sally’s hands. This is going to be a doozy.
Oh, it’s a doozy alright. It’s 24 Of The Happiest Dog Memes Ever That Will Make You Smile From Ear To Ear!
1. It’s pronounced: W-A-L-K. Sally slams the file down with a big “thump”. She sits down across from you, her tongue flicking through the air. “It ssssems your approval ratingsssss are down” she says with a hiss “but don’t worry, the counccccil and I have come up with a ssssolution.” Oh boy, this oughta be rich.
2. Sleepy pup. “We’ve found that the sheep that are the American public love two thingsssss above all” she starts “Freedom and puppiesssss. Ssssso, we were thinking that to garner sssssome ssssmypathy with the people of your nation we should hire a DOG on to the cabinet”. Wait, what?
3. Mail-order doggy. “Wait, what?” you say, totally ripping off my line. “We’re thinking maybe the minissster of borks or the attorney general of treats. What do YOU think?” Sally says, daring you to reply.
4. Don’t worry Bambi. I’ll be your mother. “Um…” you start, not sure of how to respond. Darn, what would JFK do? The ghost of JFK appears to you out of the corner of the office. “Are you er ah, going to let her disrespect the title of President like that? You er don’t ah need to take orders from her, you’re uh the most powerful person in the world!”.
5. Peek-a-boo! He’s right! And he sounds so convincing with that smooth, non-rhotic accent! (Note to self: rip out “non-rothic” from word of the day calendar) “This is absolutely ridiculous” you say, shutting down Sally’s dumb idea. “Why would I make a mockery of the Presidency like that? Adding a DOG to the cabinet, how absurd!” Yeah, way to go! You tell her!
6. Puppy love. Sally sternly flicks her tongue at you. She stares deeply into your soul, intensely and with a sinister aura about her. You sense something from her look, something long, ancient and previously unknown to mankind. The way she’s looking at you is strange, yet strangely familiar.
7. YYZ. There are a lot of things you don’t understand about being President. It’s a hard job, alright? Let’s see YOU do it! For one, you have no idea how to balance a budget. What is a budget even? They never offered any courses on this in high school, all YOU learned how to do is bake some lousy cupcakes!
8. Bet you wish YOUR parents were that proud of you! Another thing you don’t understand is foreign policy. For starters, why does North Korea hate you so much? You never did anything to THEM, why are they always picking on you? Maybe they’re just MEAN at heart! You try to remember what your dear old advisors tell you, but its so darn hard sometimes!
9. Ranger Ruff. But the thing you understand the LEAST about being President is the council. See, what the general public doesn’t know is that besides the senate and congress and all that good stuff, there’s actually ANOTHER group of people that help the President make their decisions. A group of people that the public doesn’t even ELECT!
10. Pour vous, mon cheri. That’s right! This group tries to stay out of the public eye, mostly because they’re extra top secret. No one’s allowed to know! That’s right, not even you! Hey, stop reading this, it’s confidential! This is treason! Shield your eyes, TRAITOR!
11. A cloud? Are they shielded? Good. Now the only people who are still reading this are those who are ALLOWED. Anyways, I don’t need to tell YOU this, but I will anyway cause’ repeating stuff is fun. The council stays in a secret room with plenty of heat lamps (it gets cold in the catacombs under the White House) where they make plans and decisions for the President to hear.
12. Say cheese! And this is the best part, reader who obviously knows all of this already, but when the council brings the decisions to the President, the President HAS to follow them or else they’ll be taken to a dark place where they’ll never see the sun again! It’s a great part of our democratic process, really a beautiful shining example of how great this country is.
13. SAAAANTTAA! I KNOW HIM! “Wait, what was that last part?” you think. The part about the democratic process? “Let’s skip this bit” you say out loud, suddenly realizing that your campaign manager is still in the room. Sally stares daggers at you still and finally says: “the counccccccil will not be pleasssssed when they hear you denied their decissssssion!” Sally stands and starts to step away.
14. Firework buddies. “Hey! Hey, woah!” you say, stopping Sally’s steps “we don’t HAVE to tell the council about every little thing that I say and do, come on!” Sally turns, cocking an eyebrow. You gesture to her desk and smile hopefully, sweating a little bit.
15. Order me the merlot and some toilet water for the gentleman. Sally stares down at you for a long time, her tongue slowly licking at the air, smelling it, tasting it. Eventually, she lowers herself back into the chair. You laugh softly and nervously. Sally is not amused.
16. Can’t beat the Colonel, baby! “Maybe I was a little hasty with my decision” you start, still smiling softly at the sternly sitting Sally. “Let’s see who you’ve chosen as potential members”. Sally purses her lips and finally gives you an evil smile. “I’m happy you’ve ssssseen the error of your waysssss. The councccccil will be pleasssssed assssss well”.
17. You don’t say it out loud, goon! Spell W-A-L-K! You snort quickly at the long “as” cause, well, you know. Sally notices this and luckily for you, she chooses to ignore your immaturity. Slowly, she spreads the file open, revealing two pictures of dogs. From upside down, you think you already know who the dogs are.
18. OH YEAH! “Now” starts Sally, slowly “you have TWO choices. Either you can go with…” Sally holds up a picture of the coolest dog around, Spuds Mackenzie! Awesome! There he is, holding a Bud Light, surrounded by girls! All the studs want to be him, all the… erm… FEMALE DOGS want to be with him! That’s radical dude!
19. That’s not kermit! “Nope, don’t care what the next one is, I want Spuds” you blurt out, much to the annoyance of Sally. “Enough of your insssolencccce” she says “you will sssstay QUIET until I am done or the councccccil will hear of your indesssscretion!”. You gulp and sink into your chair. Sorry for getting excited about the job, lady.
20. Fun fact: this was written by a dog. “Sssssso” she says “Asssss I wasssss ssssssaying before I wasssss ssssso rudely interruptedssssss” you cringe, that last one didn’t even have an ‘S’. Sally holds up the picture of Spuds Mackenzie: “Yesssss, Ssssspudssss issssss a cool cat, but the counccccilll would prefer…”
21. Versace on the floor… Sally holds up the second picture and your heart sinks. “What? Come on! How are we ever going to control him?” you whine “and I thought he defected to the Soviet Union in the 80s! He IS big and red, after all!”
22. I hate the DMV too, buddy. Sally shrugs her sagging shoulders and stands. “Fine” she says, stepping towards the door “the councccccil will just HAVE know about thisssss”. You sigh deeply and rub the bridge of your nose, holding up your hand to stop the steadily advancing Sally Slitherman. “I’ll make the announcement tomorrow”.
23. Don’t forget to bring a treat for teach! “TONIGHT!” the voice rings proudly amongst trumpets “Steven welcomes Emanuel DiCallister… with musical guest The Beaches…. Featuring John Barista & Stay Lizard… and now, it’s time for the late show with… Steven CO-BURN!”. Steven Coburn, hilarious talk show host and a personal idol of this author, steps onstage to a thunderous applause. Always a humble man, he quiets the crowd gently and launches into his monologue: “We start tonight as always, with President Reader, who, as always, is being a dummy”. The building shakes with uproarious laughter.
24. Duh nuh nuh, nuh nuh. Duh nuh nuh, nuh nuh! Ugh, you can’t watch this. You try scrolling through the channels, but it’s all just people making fun of you. That’s until you make it to the FENNEC Network, where they’re praising your decision. “He’s fun, cuddly and has only eaten three people! It was an accident, don’t these SNOWFLAKES know what an accident is?” one pundit says about your newest Treasurer of Tennis Balls.
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