Well, it’s decided, you’re evil.
Ever since a certain film company started pumping out superhero flicks like they’re working an assembly line, everyone wants to be a superhero. People in your town are taking to the streets to save kittens, help old ladies cross the street and from time to time stop evil alien races or foreign gods from taking over the universe. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it!
You, on the other hand, don’t like the idea of the do-gooder’s life. Kittens? They’re arrogant and loud, thinking they’re so cute with their big eyes and fluffy fur. Old ladies? Who needs em! They’re old and lame, the world is for the young grandma! And as for alien races and foreign gods, you’re pretty unhappy with your current shadowy overlords. Why not trade up for someone more transparent?
Now that you’ve settled on your alignment and are pretty sure on a villain name (it’s either DestroDude or Captain Kill, you’re still on the fence a bit) you’ve got to decide on your first evil act. The first thing you’re going to do to introduce your villainy to the world! It’s a lot of pressure, but don’t worry, Providr is here to help!
Just take some advice from these 24 People Who Just Had To Show Their Evil Side.
1. Helping the poor while spreading words of peace and hand feeding them during which you coo and rub their back. You see the first image and think to yourself: “shouldn’t be too hard! All I have to do is make fun of someone’s looks!” You remember your adult friend who just got braces and with a quick couple button presses, you get them on the phone. “See here, good Samaritan!” you say in your best Skeletor impression “I, Murdernator, hereby tell thee that you have terrible teeth!” there is a pause on the other line that’s eventually broken up by a sigh. “It’s five in the morning, is this really important?”. You don’t have time to answer because you’re too busy hanging up and laughing to the heavens maniacally. Your reign of evil has begun.
2. Helping the poor while spreading words of peace and feeding them while cooing but not touching their backs because you secretly think they’re gross. Next, you see the ways in which a company can be evil. Not small-time evil like tracking your data and selling it to companies so that they can exploit the way you think, but TRUE evil, making fun of celebrities of Twitter. You burst from your house, cape flowing gracefully in the night air. You look both ways and notice a Patriots fan standing outside of a bar. With a sinister twirl, you maliciously skip down the street towards your next victim. You tap him on the shoulder and he turns around, giving you a surprised and confused look. “Wah ha ha!” you laugh “Fool! I, Evilzor, am here to bash your favorite team!” the guy burps quietly into his hand “I thought your name was Murdernator?”. “I’m trying something new” you snap back “seeing which one works best in action. But think not that you can escape my wrath, citizen! Your so-called hero Tom Brady is a cheater and a liar! He does not deserve to be talked about! How will you live with yourself now pathetic worm, knowing that the man you admire most is of questionable moral character? HM?” The Patriots fan shrugs and says: “I mean, five rings. Isn’t that all I have to say?” But his retort goes unheard, as it is drowned out by the echo of your evil cackling.
3. Helping the poor while spreading words of peace but throwing food out your car window at them because you don’t want to be seen with the impoverished. You are walking around the 24-hour costume store, twirling your almost purchased evil mustache and reading this article. “Hm…” you say, a little freaked out that you’re reading what you’re saying as you say it “Short people. They are easy to terrorize because they’re small in stature.” You quickly look around and see a short gentleman trying to reach a funny hat on a high shelf. You leap into action, making the short guy jump a little. “Muah ha ha HA!” you guffaw, emphasizing the last ha “Yes, I bet you’d like to reach that, wouldn’t you? However, with the help of The Not, you will!” you grab the hat and go to hand it to the short person but at the last second you totally psyche him out and toss it on the highest shelf. “NOT!” you say, wondering if that will catch on and running away into the night.
4. Helping the poor and then macing them. “The shadows are my only friend,” you say to no one in particular “I, a lonely person cast out by society, my hand forced to do evil by the community that rejected me. For I, the Mustachioed Menace, will-” you suddenly realize there’s a man staring at you. “Uh… what? Are you talking to me?” you scoff at the man “No.” you say bluntly “I’m practicing my monologuing” Then, entry number four pops into your head and you realize your next evil act: destroying the frail male ego. You outstretch a villainous finger towards the helpless man, reel your head back dramatically and say: “YOU sir, have small hands. What else on your body is small?”. He opens his mouth to respond but is greeted by nothing but black, endless shadows.
5. Macing the poor, kicking them a couple times and then shooting them. The tips of your fingers tap schemingly against each other as the morning is in full force. Across the street is a playground where children are hanging out before school. “Children, of course! This is perfect for me, Buster the child Crusher!” you say, referencing this entry and wondering if your slant rhyme is going to pass. Your nefarious eyes dart around rapidly until you come across a candy store. Quickly, you run in and buy as many skittles as your pitiful bank account will allow. Like a flash, you dart over to the playground and start throwing the candy into the air. Children cheer and grab the sweets, thanking you profusely. “Fools,” you think as you walk away “little do they know I have started them on the long and perilous journey to diabetes! Wah ha ho ha!”
6. Rescuing a kitten from a tree, returning it to its owner and kissing them both lovingly on the head. For two straight hours, you’ve been hiding in an alleyway with your foot blatantly out trying to trip oncoming walkers. Most people see you from a block away and just step over, others will stop to ask you what you’re doing, but then get scared when you hiss at them like a possum. Eventually, a tourist taking pictures of your town doesn’t notice your foot and trips over it, breaking his camera. “YES!” you scream, validated that your morning wasn’t wasted “TASTE THE PAVEMENT PITEOUS FILTH! I, the Tripping Torment, have made you look like a real goofball!” before he can get up and to yell, you push him back to the ground like you’re in middle school. “He He Ha Hey!” you bellow as you dip into the darkness of the alley.
7. Rescuing a kitten from a tree and returning it to its owner, then turning down the reward money. The sun is at its zenith, so you’ve decided to eat lunch. It needs to be a positively evil lunch so of course, you get Wendy’s (don’t believe me? Check their Twitter). You’re browsing through this article when you see out of the corner of your eye someone setting up their meal so they can take a picture of it. A dastardly smile slithers onto your face, stretching your fake mustache to its limits. Quick and quiet like a mouse, you spill the entire contents of your large drink onto their meal just as they’re about to take the picture. You spin around, slapping them in the face with your cape (totally on purpose, too). You stand before them, arms outstretched and wicked grin still plastered on your face: “ha HA hey HA!” you laugh awkwardly “How’s that? You can think the Tall Drink of Water for that!”. The person is really mad, wet and confused, but with one quick flip of their tray, you’re off again.
8. Rescuing a kitten from a tree and returning it to its owner, but finding out the owner is hot so you ransom the kitten for a date. You step back and admire your work, wondering if maybe this is a little too much. You don’t have much time to think as a man is trying to pull into the stop you’re standing in. You shrug your shoulders, figuring you may as well go big or go home, so you step aside. The man sees what you’ve done and opens his door. “REALLY?” he screams at you “What’s your problem?”. You cringe a little, but you have to play your part: “FOOL! The Spot Blocker strikes again!” The man rolls his eyes “Whatever, are you going to move those benches or not?” You think for a moment, feeling a twang of guilt, but then stand stoically. Triumphantly, you declare: “No!” then run off into the concrete jungle. The driver sighs and then starts to move the benches himself. “Who was that?” his wheelchair-bound wife asks. “Nobody,” he says “Just some di-”
9. Rescuing a kitten from a tree and then throwing it through its owner’s newly purchased window. Pressing your body up against the wall, you can’t help but snicker a little at your genius. I mean, it’s not really YOUR genius, you stole it from this article and I found it online, but you really put it into action. So, you know, good for you? Suddenly, the door opens and your trap springs: you hear a loud “OOF!” and you know that your victim has been hit in the crotch. “HEY HEY!” you laugh, channeling Krusty “How do you like THAT you, oh” you cut yourself off when you realize you’ve just bashed a cop in the crotch.
10. Lighting the tree on fire. Maybe you’re not cut out for a life of villainy. I mean, what bad guy worth their salt gets captured on their first reign of terror? You’re starting to doubt yourself, maybe you should just go home and be a regular citizen. Why complicate your life with aligning yourself to a set of moral standards? Maybe you’ll just go off and be a monk or something easy going like that. Your internal dialogue is interrupted by the police officer opening the door of his cruiser to speak to you. “Alright, listen,” he says calmly “I know you were just playing a prank and wasn’t go to really hurt anyone, so you’re free to go. You’re probably a nice person and I know this is all some big misunderstanding”. What? Nice? PRANK? MISUNDERSTANDING? How DARE he belittle your evil! Why, you’re the most nefarious being to ever throw on a cape and mustache! With all the strength you can muster, you kick the cop in his already weakened crotch and then while he’s on the ground, you stomp on his phone, kind of like the guy in this entry. “TASTE THE BOOT OF EEEEVIL!” you cry “Your electronic is now ruined at the hands of… the deVICE!”. You cackle evilly into the afternoon as the cop writhes on the ground in pain.
11. Teaching children how to read, write and how to live using positive character traits, making them well rounded and educated human beings. You find that your trail of terror is starting to get stale, you have really been more of an annoyance than “evil”. That’s until you notice a couple construction workers carrying concrete over their heads. You remember this entry and sneak quietly on to the site. You notice that they’re bringing the concrete over to a mixer and tossing it in, with one guy kind of just watching the mixer. Quietly you creep over to the man at the mixer and with one swift nudge he’s suddenly covered from the waist up in concrete, spinning helplessly in the mixer and screaming. With great speed, you climb onto the nearest container and as the other construction workers come you start yelling puns at them: “all in a hardened days work eh? I certainly hope he has concrete insurance! Looks like he’s stuck between-” “WILL YOU SHUT UP!” the workers cry out in unison. You sneer and flip your cape in their direction. Ha! That’ll teach em.
12. Teaching children how to read, write and pick locks. You start to feel the power that comes with being evil. Sending so many people to such a horrific doom makes you feel like you’re in charge, that you are the hands of fate guiding people’s lives to a bitter, cold end. You hands twist into claws and you raise them to the sky, cackling maniacally. Your frenzied eyes find a single mom walking with her son and you run up to her and… nab her purse? Woah, hey that’s not very funny! And now you’re hitting them with it? Wait, hold on, that actually sounds evil. This article is supposed to be sarcastic and the deeds are less true evil and more annoying or funny, remember?
13. Teaching children how to read, write and siphon gas without getting caught. Alright you, it’s time to cut it out! Your evil spree has gone on long enough, it’s time to go home and date a weird genetic experiment or something. “Shut up, you moron!” you scream at the writer, attacking his dangerously low self-esteem. “Either you’re with me or against me!”. Well, considering I have a bunch more left to write so looks like I’m with you… Uh… “YOU WILL CALL ME… EVILZOR!” So that’s what we decided on, huh? Allllllll-right! The parking spot guy from before screeches up next to you. “Hey!” he yells “I had to spend-” WHAP! You hit the guy across the face with your newly stolen purse and boot him a bunch of times. Then, you pull his poor wheelchair-bound wife out onto the ground and steal his big, red truck.
14. Throwing some illiterate children’s favorite books into a trash compactor while teaching them that Santa isn’t real and that God is a lie. As you speed through the streets a look like Jack Nicholson’s from the Shining on your face, you spot a young couple arguing. “I can’t believe you would cheat on me, Melinda!” says the guy. Melinda, tears in her eyes says to her girlfriend: “Shay, baby, I would never cheat on you. That text WAS from a wrong number I swear.” Shay stares into Melinda’s eyes, tears welling up in her own. She shakes her head and says: “Oh Melinda, I can tell you’re not lying. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but-” “HEY MELINDA!” you scream out your window “YOU FORGOT YOUR BRA AT MY HOUSE. HEY, IS THAT THE GIRLFRIEND YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT? THE ONE YOU’RE GOING TO DUMP AS SOON AS YOU CLEAN OUT HER BANK ACCOUNTS?” Melinda breaks down into tears as Shay starts to scream in her face, but you don’t hear any of that, do you, you terrible person? No, you’re too busy blasting uncensored N.W.A near the preschool a block away.
15. Throwing the children in too. Possibly in some exercise in chaos, possibly because of the adrenaline or possibly because you’re a bad driver, you smash full force into a library, knocking bookshelves onto the poor, defenseless librarians. You step cockily from the car, reveling about in the destruction you’ve wrought. “Help… me…” one library worker manages to croak out from beneath a bookshelf. You smile and outstretch your hand, but pull it back at the last moment. “NOT!”.
16. Reuniting a daughter with her long-lost father. As you rip out pages of books and throw them into a huge fire you’ve started, you realize that your evil spree has begun to bore you. That’s until a group of cops burst through the doors and point their many guns at you. “Alright Evilzor” one says, shaking slightly in fear “give it up! We’ve got you surrounded!” “Muah ha hey ha hey! You’ll never catch me, coppers!” With that, you pick up some of the fire with a nearby shovel and launch it at the police molotov cocktail style. They turn and cough, avoiding the flame. As they flip back around, their guns raised, there’s a crash of glass and the diminishing sound of an evil laugh as it’s owner plummets to the earth.
17. Driving a daughter to meet her long-lost father. What? Why did you jump out the window? “Patience, my evil minion” you reassure the author, who is apparently now an accessory to this crime spree. The cops from before break through the library doors and are immediately covered with tons of trash. They’re desperately trying to escape from the smelly piles and they DEFINITELY don’t like the look of that gasoline canister you’re holding.
18. Telling a daughter you’ve found her long-lost father but then never returning her calls. Oh, you’ve really done it now, we are going to get in so much trouble! “SILENCE, minion” you yell at me as you speed down the highway in the wrong direction, chased by police and narrowly avoiding oncoming traffic. Oh, nevermind. Seems by “narrowly avoiding” I should’ve written “totally trying to hit” because you’ve now crashed head first into a car full of puppies. Oh… I loved the puppy car!
19. Pretending to be a daughter’s long-lost father, then totally catfishing her and laughing in her face. You leap from the fiery wreckage onto the frozen lake below the highway, quickly followed by pursuing policemen. There are a whole lot more of them now, how are you going to get out of this one Evilzor? As the police close in, you smile maliciously and point to the highway above. Just as they turn, your car crashes onto the ice behind them, breaking it and sending the officers into the icy waters below.
20. Kidnapping someone’s daughter. Cracks begin to form in the ice between your feet. With your evil quickness, you dive on to the snowbanks lining the river just as it all breaks. The officers from before are struggling to stay afloat as you chortle evilly at them. As one makes multiple attempts to climb onto the shore, you continuously kick her back into the freezing water. “THAT’S ENOUGH, FIEND!” a voice booms from behind you.
21. Reading this article, sharing it and saying something about how handsome you find the author. Light beams down from the sky and a chorus of angels sing. The people on the bridge above you cheer as the day’s savior quickly swoops down from the sky to save the drowning police officers. Once they’re all safely on shore, the hero turns to you. “SUPER STACY FROM HOME EC” you wail at her “if it isn’t my old arch nemesis”. Super Stacy from Home Ec outstretches a finger and points it through your very soul: “Your reign of terror ends HERE, Evilzor!” She swoops down from the heavens and WHAP! You smack her across the face with the nearest keyboard sized piece of ice. Hey, I need to relate it to the picture somehow.
22. Reading this article, sharing it and offering mostly constructive criticism to the author. Super Stacy from Home Ec crashes head first into a nearby snowbank sending snow flying into the air like confetti. She turns to face you but you’re nowhere to be seen. “YOOOOO-HOOOO” you yell, forcing Stacy to look up. You now stand on top of the bridge, holding a kid in one hand and a cop in the other. “THIS is why it doesn’t PAY to be the hero, Stacy-man,” you say in a rough, gravelly voice “because you never know when some maniac is going to force you to make an impossible choice!” Super Stacy stares daggers up at you: “Villainous monster! You’ll never get away with this!” You let out a slow, menacing cackle “Save either the cute school kid, or the officer of the law!” Stacy shakes her head “How did you even know that police officer was my boyfriend?” you stare skeptically at the cop. You totally knew right? This wasn’t just luck, cause that would be super lame! “Shut UP, minion,” you say under your breath “OF COURSE I KNEW! Now CHOOSE, hero!” And with that, you let the two people drop into the rushing water below.
23. Reading this article, sharing it and trashing how bad the author writes. “WAH HA HA HA HA!” you laugh, finally pulling off the perfect evil cackle. Stacy races along the river, quickly saving the school kid, but her boyfriend is quickly careening towards the waterfall at the edge of the river (because there’s ALWAYS a waterfall). You try to throw snowballs at her to distract her, but what’s this? In an inspiring display also ripped off from the first Spiderman, the townspeople are throwing things at YOU! “You mess with Super Stacy from Home Ec, you mess with all of us!” one onlooker screams as the crowd cheers. Yeah! Go townspeople! Get that nasty meanie! Just as her boyfriend falls off the cliff, everything goes slow-motion like in a Marvel movie and Stacy rescues her man in the nick of time. Meanwhile, people on the bridge are still throwing things at you until Stacy finally comes back. She sets down her boyfriend and takes a step towards you. “What now, Stacy-man?” you say mockingly “you gonna kill me? Hero’s like you NEVER kill?” you laugh at how right you are, until Stacy says: “No, that’s just Batman”. Gulp. Luckily for you, she continues: “But I’m not like you Evilzor. However, you bet your bottom you’re going to be spending the rest of your life in jail”. She turns as the crowd erupts into cheers, takes a step and… slips on the banana peel you put behind her while she was monologuing. CRACK goes her head as it hits the pavement.
24. Seeing this article and its writer and immediately emailing Providr to tell lies about how terrible a person the author is. Silence. The hero of the day, the unbeatable Super Stacy from Home Ec, now lies motionless on the ground. The townspeople stare in shock, the police stare in shock, heck, even YOU’RE staring in shock. “Ha… Ha ha…. AH HA HA… MUAH HA AHAHAHAHA!” you break into the evilest laugh imaginable. “THE WORLD IS MINE! KNEEL BEFORE ME, PITIFUL MORTALS! I AM A GOD! ALL HAIL EVILZOR! ALL HAI-” BOOSH! The last thing you feel is fist on your face before you black out.
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