A 1,000 person orchestra plays Pomp and Circumstance March No.1, echoing the gorgeous tune throughout the grand walls of the Providr Hall of Fame.
Parents, spouses, lovers, children, family and friends of all creeds, races and genders line the audience, tears welling up in their eyes on this momentous occasion.
Today, Providr will be naming the official, definitive, be-all-end-all list of the 25 Of The Most Facepalm Things That Ever Happened.
1. Anti-vaxxers and this anti-vaxxer in particular. Anti-vaxxers, in general, should probably be on this list. However, this anti-vaxxer went to great lengths to find scholarly articles on the subject and when presented with no information to back up her ridiculous claims, she turned to the Internet for help. This vapidness and idiocy are worthy of the first spot in the Providr Hall of Fame.
2. The people who constantly remind you “Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster”. Yes, we all know those people. The people who cut you off mid-story to point out a word you messed up. The people whose catchphrase seems to be “Um, Actually”. They’re the people who need the world and you to know they are smarter and much better educated than you, because they actually read the book in grade 10. These people are truly worthy of being immortalized in this Hall of Fame. If you recognize any of these traits, congratulations! You’re a terribly annoying person to have a conversation with!
3. The person who thought the best way to communicate with blind people was through clicking. As it turns out, blind people are not the Predator. Yes, this person on Reddit couldn’t figure out that even though blind people can’t see, they can hear. While they did eventually correct themselves, it still deserves a spot in one of the 25 Of The Most Facepalm Things That Ever Happened.
4. This person who thought grey was dark white. I would never make fun of color blindness, I mean, the greatest writer of all time Jake Bean is color blind. However, grey is a shade and I can’t say I’ve ever heard of shade blindness. Don’t they teach you about grey in kindergarten? So unless this person is 2, which I certainly hope they’re not, they deserve a place with the other Facepalm moments on this list
5. This person who fell to sweet, dirty irony. It seems that most of these facepalm-ees fall to the terrible and dangerous guillotine that is irony, however, this one seems exceptionally ironic. Being ignorant about a word that means being ignorant about something? That’s pure, unadulterated facepalm right there.
6. This “true patriot”. Oh, I won’t be surprised if we see another one of these “true patriots” on this list. If he respects this country so much by standing for the anthem, why would he freely sit on his favorite nation’s flag? Dirtying old glory like that definitely gets you on the 25 Of The Most Facepalm Things That Ever Happened list
7. This overly paranoid mother. I can understand where the mother is coming from, I myself have two children. However, the most important part of any relationship is trust. You need to trust your kids to make the right decisions and guide them along the path TO those right decisions. The worst thing you can do is grill them constantly about what they’re doing or where they are because it will just cause them to rebel. For these reasons, I deem you worthy of the seventh spot in the Providr Hall of Fame
8. Youtube in general. I’ve been told in recent years by content creators that Youtube is going down in flames. Considering I get the same five recommended videos every time I sign in and miss half the stuff the people I subscribe to put out, I can’t help but agree. Youtube, for your indiscretions and for trying to copy Wendy’s, you earn yourself one mighty facepalm
9. People who judge books by their cover. A foolish, petty and judgemental move indeed, which are the three ingredients needed to make a freshly baked facepalm. I’m sure this was supposed to take a stand against the patriarchy or something like that, but moves like this always end up looking dumb and childish before they look heroic or progressive. Get facepalmed, Tumblr user
10. This person who messed up her elementary math. Apparently, those who complain about the education system and how it never taught them anything useful were only kind of right. Sure, you probably won’t use quadratic formulas in your day to day life, but at least strangers won’t facepalm you on the internet if you know the difference between >,< and =.
11. The parents who don’t read the ratings on movies before bringing their kids to them. If this was 1960, maybe we could excuse these parents for accidentally taking their kids to Deadpool. However, in the Internet age, there is no excuse for not knowing a film’s rating, unless of course you live in a hole in the ground or are adamantly against the Internet. Clearly, these parents are not considering they’re using Facebook, so a spot on this list is their destiny
12. People who claim to know the bible and are proven wrong. People who use any religious text as a defense for their terrible and backwards views should be on this list, but the worst are the people who don’t even know the material they’re using well enough to use it. If you are an ignorant religious zealot then you deserve a spot on this list
13. People who aren’t aware of the effects of bullets on heads. Yes, as it turns out video games and movies are not the only reason why we know bullets to the head will kill you, but mostly from a shared experience with bullets and knowledge of the fact that bullets are in fact designed to kill. For not knowing the basic use of a bullet, I decree you shall be facepalmed.
14. Goofball couples like this one. New couples, in general, should be cast out of society, because they remind those of us who are single or in long-term relationships of the overwhelming amount of love our partner no longer feels for us or indeed the tremendous amount of affection we never had in the first place. However, love should never get in the way of clear thinking. For your cloudy judgment, I welcome you to this Providr Hall of Fame
15. This person who doesn’t understand the concept of a knock-knock joke. People with poor or underdeveloped senses of humor all belong on this list, however, let’s allow this Tinder user be the poster child for all of them. Seriously, how do you go through life without hearing a knock knock joke? Total and complete facepalm.
16. People who are bad at both spelling and geography. While I can’t fault someone for not knowing how to spell Kazakhstan (then again, if you’ve watched Borat you probably should know) I can fault someone for not knowing how to spell Turkey or not knowing that London is a city. These are easy geography questions people, there is no way they’d survive trivia crack
17. People who can’t read past the last name. In fact, this specific TSA agent, the entire TSA and Tony Hawk himself should all join the illustrious Providr Hall of Fame. This agent for not reading the “Tony” part of Tony Hawk’s name, the entire TSA for making going through customs a total chore and Tony Hawk for tarnishing his good name with Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5.
18. This person who did not realize that submarines are designed to hide in the sea. It seems there are still people out there confused about what exactly a submarine does. My verdict: for them to watch The Hunt for Red October and to come on down to join the rest of the Providr Hall of Fame
19. Anyone who bought this choker. For not being familiar with the concept of a string and for having way too much disposable income, I hereby welcome you to the 25 Of The Most Facepalm Things That Ever Happened list. Please come on down, but make sure to tie up your velcro shoes. Considering that you’ve clearly never seen a shoelace
20. The person who came up with a great way to asphyxiate yourself. This person has managed to ignore years and years of people dying from carbon monoxide-related asphyxiation, allowing their own ignorance to overtake them to a point where it may actually kill them. Before you die, please come join us
21. The people who made this impossible-to-pass quiz. As if the school system wasn’t stressful enough, teachers are now making quizzes that are impossible to pass. Truly we need teenagers who are even MORE stressed and feel even more like failures. For poisoning the future of this country, you have been facepalmed. Come on down.
22. Flat-earthers in general, actually. Like anti-vaxxers, it takes a whole lot of ignorance to ignore hundreds of years of science, photographic evidence and personal accounts of the world being round. In fact, you can occasionally just see the earth’s curve. However, this person has willfully made themselves look incredibly stupid, so they can accept this position in the 25 Of The Most Facepalm Things That Ever Happened for the entire group of flat-earthers
23. This person who forgot that California is in fact in the United States. There is no excuse for forgetting about California, it is one of the most popular states next to New York and Texas. Once again a geographical mishap has landed someone on our illustrious list. Congratulations, we really mean it too!
24. Oh boy, this one is a doozy! It truly has all the elements of a great facepalm: flat-earthers, an incredibly outrageous claim and best of all, a great heap of ignorance. The best line is ‘if you think you’ve been to Australia before, you’re terribly wrong’. Come on down once again flat-earthers so we can PROVIDE you with your Facepalm lifetime achievement award. You really deserve it
25. This person who is watering a plant in the rain. In a surprise twist, this actually isn’t much of facepalm. Apparently, according to a horticulturist, you always water a plant regardless of whether or not it’s going to rain. So, Eastern European person, you’re off the hook. For now. That concludes our Hall of Fame induction for the evening. Please give it up for our inductees
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