There are some mornings where the only answers to what happened last night exist through your phone (if you still have it). If the hangover symptoms and spiral of regret weren’t punishment enough, sometimes the text messages and blurry photos can make you realize that you’ve got some serious damage control to do. Drinking and texting are a prime cocktail of bad decisions, but receiving them soberly is a different story entirely.
Whether it’s texts that were sent in an intoxicated state or morning recaps from a sober pal, these are some of the funniest drunk texts that people have ever sent.
Alcohol and regret may have long gone hand in hand, but throw a cell phone into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a whole new ball game of dishonor.
1. You’d think that having your crush not be present during a night of debauchery would be a blessing, but when you have their number, all it takes is a few taps of the keyboard for it to become an instant curse. Unfortunately, you only realize that you’re not the Romeo you thought you were until the morning after pouring a few drinks down the hatch.
2. If you’ve managed to achieve having “Drunk” as a predecessor to your name then you’ve probably had your fair share of regretful morning-after texts. Drunk Patty may not ever know how she acquired a chip clip for an earring, but by the sounds of it, that’s probably going to be the least of her worries.
3. Better to be safe than sorry, right? Can’t imagine any cab driver being too pleased to arrive at a location and be instructed that the destination is also that location. However, chances are, this host probably saved some time for another drunken soul or maybe they were treated to a scenic route around the block.
4. Grabbing something to eat after a night of drinking may seem like the responsible thing to do before submitting yourself to the hangover gods, but public interactions don’t always go so swimmingly. Considering that this person was dressed as a wolf and urinated in chow mein, you have to admit that their initial attempt at a text message is more grammatically sound than one would imagine.
5. There are friends who will help prevent their inebriated friends from embarrassing themselves on a night out, but then there are friends who will take advantage and instigate the humiliation. However, if you’re at the point where you think you can bite your own nose, who is really the one to blame?
6. Moms don’t tend to have a night out on the town as much as they’d use to so when it rains, it pours. There’s nothing like a 2-for-1 Chardonnay deal at the Olive Garden to get a mom feeling super loose and this wine-happy mom is feeling the need to relay the parental affection. “I’m so happy I decide to keep you” isn’t quite the Hallmark text messaging moment, but it’s certainly better than receiving the opposite.
7. Public intoxication and police enforcement are rarely a good mix, but every now and then you come across a cop that’s just looking out for your best interest. Marty was lucky enough to encounter a “Nice Ploice Man” who not only made sure he got home safe but also didn’t deport him back to Ireland.
8. Despite this stranger’s gracefully composed decline to get white girl wasted, “no” isn’t a word that is so easily understood by the intoxicated mind. This wordy response was clearly a lot for the assumingly blurred vision of the sender, but hopefully, they came to once this person adapted to their lingo.
9. Texting with an overly intoxicated person can be a lot like listening to a really bad DJ. The topic changes are usually abrupt and rogue song lyrics are never out of the question. Julia appears to have briefly placated her friend before letting her affection rants ride out. You can almost guarantee that she received at least five phone calls after midnight.
10. While the overall intent of this drunk text becomes quite clear at the end, the intended recipient seems to be more ambiguous. Considering this person seemed to get the name right on the first go, it’s confusing why they would try again, but trying to understand the drunken mindset is a lost cause.
11. If it’s not the spelling that tips you off that the person texting you is drunk, it’s probably going to be the subject matter itself. Couples are no stranger to sending each other sappy love texts, but once you start veering into some questionable metaphors, there’s probably a bottle or two behind them.
12. Despite this person’s admirable determination to spell glow stick correctly, the recipient could have probably connected the dots themselves. Only an intoxicated person could ever be so excited about a glowstick that they feel the need to share their fluorescent find. Sometimes drunk people are just like moths to a light.
13. When you wake up to texts from the friends you were with last night laughing at you, it’s always a cringe-worthy moment to ask what it is that you did. It’s only then that you realize the true passions of your drunken alter ego, which can include very strong opinions on farming simulation social network games.
14. Whoever created autocorrect probably didn’t take into consideration the wrath of drunk fingers. Despite the jumbled words and car brands on display here, anyone who has been in this intoxicated texter’s position knows exactly what they mean. The chances that this person ended up dropping their phone in the toilet while trying to decipher their own messages with one squinted eye? High.
15. Sending drunk texts is one thing, but a drunk email is a different territory altogether. Unless you’re over 50 and emailing is your primary choice for communicating, the chances of a drunken message being sent to someone highly inappropriate is much higher. Let’s just hope for this person’s sake that the recipient wasn’t a coworker or boss.
16. Whether the sender is drunk or not, receiving a text message after 3 AM from someone you love saying that they’ve “gotta tell you something” warrants a hefty amount of concern. However, this recipient seems to be quite seasoned to these drunken “revelations” considering their immediate nonchalance to the initial prompt.
17. Every now and then we like to put a little bit of faith in our drunken autopilots and hope that we remained quasi-reasonable human beings — despite not remembering a single thing. Unfortunately, there will always be that friend that has been waiting for the moment you arise just to tell you exactly how drunk you were the night prior.
18. Yikes. We don’t have to see the earlier conversation to know that the rest is probably equally as incoherent. Making plans to go drinking may be easy, but making plans with someone who has already been drinking is much more difficult. Chances of this person getting ditched? High. Chances of the other person ending up in a ditch? Also high.
19. The line between fiction and reality can truly become blurred after drinking. Running into a motorcycle riding Hagrid from the wizarding world of Hogwarts after a night on the town? Plausible. Luckily for this drunken adventurer, their new bearded biker seems like they may have been on the same page.
20. Whoever is the first person to come up with an autocorrect system that translates drunk into something coherent and unoffensive could really save a lot of people their relationships and dignities. However, for now, autocorrect only seems to make drunk texts even more perplexing, but hey, sometimes it’s still better than what could be verbally unleashed in a phone call.
21. You know those thoughts that you have but decide to keep to yourself because that’s really where they should stay? Well, after a few drinks, that guard drops hard. This person probably regrets “haunting” their friend with tampons, but at least they aren’t completely out of tune with their drunken alter ego.
22. We may all be text masters with clear hearts and sober eyes, but throw some alcohol down our esophagi and we all become grandparents who don’t understand how technology works. Sometimes it’s not your misspelling that proves your lack of sobriety, sometimes it’s as simple as a picture of a mollusk.
23. Invincibility is one effect of drinking that is usually always more of a curse than a blessing, which this drunk texter was quick to realize. Investing in a beer opener would probably be a much more financially advisable decision rather than having to deal with potential dental fees and one embarrassing explanation.
24. Alcohol usually is to blame when it comes to poor financial decisions, but a $300 fine from cutting up a store’s pineapples in search of a children’s cartoon character? That’s a very special type of drunk. Joel should have really just stuck to searching for Patrick Star in future drunken misadventures.