A lot of angsty teens these days will tell you they were born at the wrong time. “2018 is the worst” they cry “The movies suck. The music sucks. The President sucks. My school sucks. My parents suck. Everything SUCKS! I wish I was born in the 20s, where I could dance and wear pearls and hang out with Zelda Fitzgerald and that one drunk guy.” Well there, Allie Angston, did you think about polio? And the depression? And the World Wars? And if you have a problem with “Nazis” in 2018, boy oh boy wait until 1939…
We also forget the most important factor missing from the past– the MEMES! The sweet, glorious memes that we have devoted ourselves too, that we bow down to and obey, for which we would gladly lay down our lives. But worry not, dear reader, because your old pals here at Providr have listed some of the funniest memes from history. So just in case you’re doing some time travel, bring this list with you! I’m sure so inbred, dirt covered, illiterate 14th-century English peasant would find my humor funny!
Prepare for your past blast with these 25 Hilarious History Memes That Should Be Shown In History Classes.
1. Who DID win that war again? England, by any chance, do you remember who won the war for American Independence? Darn, this is really bugging me… I’m just kidding, we all know it was the glorious US of A who came out on top. Yes sir, you’re hard-pressed to find a war the good old stars and stripes HASN’T won…before 1945.
2. What? Come on Hitler, why are you so paranoid? Maybe stop letting your doctors give you so much of that “special candy”. Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch, what would we have done in World War 2 without your incredible code-breaking skills? And the man looks incredible for his age, I mean by now he’s gotta be at LEAST 90!
3. Oh dear me Reginald, it seems that these impoverished nations need to be taught how to be civilized! O Britannia, if it wasn’t for the Mongols you’d be my favorite empire. Not because of the scale or the power it held, but mostly because it was funny how you were so certain you knew better than everyone else. What’s that? No, I don’t see any comparisons between that last sentence and any current superpowers, why do you ask?
4. It, er, ah, must be those dang commie Super Mutants again! Actually, according to Oliver Stone, JFK’s assassination by communist Super Mutants is all just a big conspiracy. He claims, and get this because this is rich, that some guy named Lee Harvey Oswald did it! What? Lee isn’t a real name, IDIOT!
5. Hera baby listen, I was just out with the guys, nothing happened! No, I don’t know how all this glitter got on me! No wonder Kratos was such a promiscuous little guy, (SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED GOD OF WAR 2) like father like son! Now if only Disney’s Hercules was that risque… well, they’ve probably got a live-action remake coming!
6. But they can never take Wakanda! I like how the fat, overcompensating, kind of sweaty yet incredibly wealthy Frank Reynolds is Britain. I’m not sure if that was intended by the meme-maker… wait, Dennis Reynolds is the German Empire. Oh yeah, that’s intended.
7. Yeah, but you guys are like 5th on the world happiness index and New York is… well, New York. Listen, I have nothing against the stinking, wretched, rat-infested cesspool that is New York City. I live in Toronto, which is Canada’s version of a stinking, wretched, rat-infested cesspool, and I love it!
8. Bully! Speaking of New York and their ex-governors, good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt makes an appearance here to show the world why he deserves to be on Mount Rushmore! Because he was progressive, duh! And he was also good personal friends with Rushmore’s creator, but I’m sure that was just a coincidence.
9. Uh oh, get ready for the first of many, France! Maybe I wouldn’t pick on you so much if you didn’t make such dumb decisions! Now get behind your incredibly expensive, state of the art but ultimately useless defensive line and think about what you did Mr. France! And DON’T come back out until you’ve stopped making pretentious black and white films!
10. Oh France, you know I kid. Listen, I don’t want to come across as offending the French, I know who Napoleon is and I know how much help they were during the war of entry number 1. But you have to admit, my French constituents, the Maginot Line was not your finest of moments. Here, to make it fair I’ll name a couple of Canada’s: Japanese internment camps, the treatment of natives, The Weeknd, incredible pollution of some of the biggest sources of freshwater to name a few…
11. Diary of a Wimpy Kaizer. Dear Diary, today the Russians made fun of me and said I was fat. And then at lunch, I tried to ask out Belgium but France pulled my pants down! I hate this stupid part of Europe! One of these days I’m going to get them all back for this, they’ll see! THEY’LL ALL SEE! With love, Kaizer Wilhelm II.
12. Mission accomplished! “Gee, I dunno Bush, I go to school and there really hasn’t been any substantial evidence of nuclear weapons!” “AMERICA! Listen America, they’ve got em way up their butts America! So they can hide them! I need you with burrrp with me on this one America, trust me, it’ll be easy!”
13. And don’t you forget it, Jerry! Listen, it’s probably just best not to attack the US in general. The Germans learned it the hard way, then the Japanese learned it the hard way, then the Germans learned it again the hard way, then… um… Hold on…
14. If Franz Ferdinand was assassinated in 2018… Here are some of the possible hashtags I myself, social media master (he says sporting a whopping 15 followers) have come up with: #FranzStrong #TakeMeOut #Alliances #WeAboutToGoOff
15. I’m Henry the 8th I am, Henry the 8th I am, I am. Now, if only the three Catherines and the two Annes could have adapted, improvised and overcome their inability to have a son, good ol’ Henry wouldn’t have had so many different wives!
16. Alright, nothing to see here, buzz off. Alright Martin Luther, if YOU start writing these kinds of articles then I’m going to be out of a job! Why are you criticizing the Catholic church anyway, don’t you have a civil rights movement to run?
17. Well, that certainly is a terrible mechanic. He was then transferred to the Japanese Royal Navy, where he was hailed as an engineering genius by the Kamikaze units. My grandaddy used to tell me stories about how the planes he fixed would cause the biggest, most spectacular of explosions. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
18. Listen buckaroo, 1901 is no picnic either. You were still dying of the diseases we can cure today, most of the country was even more backward and racist and CLASSICAL was the popular music at the time. That and that music you hear over the radio in Fallout. And yes, I’m sure it wasn’t CALLED classical, but what was it then? Modern?
19. Oh boy, better not mess with the CIA! Alright, alright, I get it. America has been involved with some very shady things in the past, but we can’t help it! We just know better than everyone else and sometimes we need to force those beliefs on people so that they can think right! It’s not their fault they think wrong, they just need a little push, that’s all! Nope, still not seeing any parallels, by the way.
20. And there we go, my favorite empire! Just like in real history or a Jon Green Crash Course History video, the Mongols inevitably showed up in this article. And it was for the purpose of telling an off-color joke! The Khan, our probable great-grandfather, would be proud.
21. Wacky Australians, at it again! For those of you who don’t know about the Emu War, don’t worry, I’ve watched a Youtube video on it so I’m pretty much an expert. So in the early 30s, Australians were getting worried about all the giant animals running around trying to kill them, particularly the emus who would destroy their crops. Long story short, after many years and lots of money spent, the emu population didn’t decline and the Australian government had wasted an abundance of resources. Seriously if you have time check it out, it’s pretty funny!
22. Is it any wonder China doesn’t trust us? Seriously, we steal their tea, take their monopoly on the stuff and then pump a bunch of opium into their country for a profit… and that’s just in the 19th century!
23. Ra, ra, ras-putine, Russia’s greatest love machine. While I do appreciate the tale and song based around this wacky Russian monk, I don’t believe he is Russia’s greatest love machine. Have we forgotten such lady killers as Yakov Smirnoff? What about the bodacious birthmark of one Mikhail Gorbachev? And who could forget Russia’s sexiest modern day bachelor, Alexei Nava- (there is a shuffling as men break into Jake’s house and take him away) I, of course, mean Putin. Putin is sexiest of Russian men. Please continue to next entry.
24. And this is why folks the jeers and taunts of the world around us will never have an effect. While I’m not American myself, I can admire their feverous patriotism. To be so clearly not number one in so many things and yet BELIEVE in your heart of hearts that you are the best is something to be admired.
25. My character Ned Neutrality is actually from Switzerland, weird! Yeah, and where are they now? Up there with all the other Scandinavian countries on the top of the world happiness index! So really, who’s dumb for staying out of the wars? Then again, when was the last time you saw a good WW2 movie based in Switzerland?
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