In the realm of kitchen justice, there are those who uphold order and maintain the integrity of cooking. On the opposite side, there are the people who commit kitchen crimes so heinous, so unspeakably malevolent, that they should not be witnessed by anyone.
These groups are continually at odds with each other. The brave souls who practice kitchen justice are the kind of people who know that time and effort result in a delicious meal. They know that fresh ingredients and flavors that blend well are the keys to great cooking. The kitchen criminals who commit all sorts of kitchen crimes are exactly the opposite.
These culinary anarchists are willing to dump anything on top of anything else and call it dinner. They are the ones who call what they do “cooking” and “being creative,” but they are only fooling themselves. These are some of the worst kitchen crimes committed by people, and we apologize in advance if these images make you lose your appetite.
1. Fraudulent Representation Of Garbage Dish As ‘Pizza’: This kitchen crime is fairly minor in the sense that the dish itself probably doesn’t taste that bad. However, calling something ‘pizza’ simply because it has cheese and toppings on it is completely unacceptable. This person’s kitchen crime is punishable by minor roof-of-the-mouth burns from the non-pizza.
2. Improperly housing live food items in the kitchen fridge: That is not what the crisper drawer is for! Sure, it may hold water, and it may be cold, but it certainly is not meant for live fish. This kind of thing is just going way too far for freshness. The punishment for this crime would be to carry that drawer back to the pond and set all those fish free.
3. Criminal negligence of food in the oven: Cooking frozen french fries is not hard. The instructions are right on the bag! The only thing you have to do is pay attention. Failing to do that is basically considered kitchen criminal negligence. This crime is punishable by eating every single one of those fries without ketchup.
4. Failure to separate dinner from dessert: Look, we’re all busy. We have things to do, places to go, people to see, but that’s no excuse for putting tiny little puddings into a pot of ramen. There is a time and place for everything, and dessert has no place in dinner. Punishment for this crime is no dessert for a week. Or no dinner for a week? Dealer’s choice.
5. Producing counterfeit charcuterie board: Olives, salami, brie, grapes, the highest quality crackers; these are the items that need to be included on a charcuterie board for it to be legitimate. This is just a bad recreation of something that should actually be delicious. This crime is punishable by upwards of two years of crumbled crackers in every box.
6. Felony addition of cephalopods to snack: Bread and margarine can be jazzed up in a number of ways. Add pepper, garlic powder, parmesan cheese; these would all be acceptable. However, there will be zero tolerance for the sprinkling of baby octopus on top of bread and margarine. The punishment for this crime is a two-year ban on eating anything with tentacles.
7. Illegal purchase of vending machine chili dogs: While this particular crime may not fall directly under those that occur in the kitchen, these things that are trying to pass for chili dogs were (hopefully) made in a kitchen somewhere, so that falls under our jurisdiction. Punishment for this crime is nothing because eating both of those was probably punishment enough.
8. Violating the non-gelatin dish statute of 1980: Yes, there was a time when putting a random assortment of things into a gelatin mold and serving it was considered classy. However, that time has passed, and now it is just viewed as disgusting. This violation is punishable by one bowl of lime Jell-O, the worst kind of Jell-O.
9. Improper construction of bruschetta: It’s honestly one of the easier appetizers to make. Bruschetta essentially equals tomatoes in oil and vinegar on top of bread sprinkled with some parmesan, and that’s just the bare minimum for something that can legally be called bruschetta. As steps have been taken to put tomatoes on bread, we’ll consider this time served.
10. Conspiracy to convince people to try something gross: It’s bad enough to eat something gross in front of other people, but at least you’re only hurting yourself. However, as soon as you try to convince others to try that gross thing, you have crossed the line. This could net you up to three years of ketchup probation and a possible lifetime ban from ice cream.
11. Obscene or otherwise obnoxious kitchen behavior: Oh so you think you’re really funny huh? You made Powerade pasta and now you think you’re Mr. Bigshot? Did all of your friends laugh? Did it taste gross? Well guess what pal, you do something like this, and we’ll slap an energy drink injunction on you so fast you’ll only be allowed to drink water.
12. Misrepresentation of Taco Bell items as food: Sure, they tell you that presentation is everything, but there’s no getting past the point that these items all came from Taco Bell. While the unnatural blue color of that martini is somewhat alluring, like a bug zapper to a mosquito, this is still a crime punishable by a 48-hour vegetable-only period.
13. Possession of terrible trail mix: Marshmallows? Cheese puffs? What kind of slapdash improvised trail mix is this? This is the kind of kitchen crime that really gets under my skin. Where are the nuts? Where are the sunflower seeds? Where are the raisins? That’s right, raisins! Deal with it! This is punishable by hiking without GORP.
14. Improper bread substitution: Speaking as a major pickle fan, I am all for this. However, I understand that most people would not be okay with this kind of thing being presented to them as a sandwich. So this is more of a case of do as I say, not as I do. Don’t give people sandwiches on pickles.
15. Unlawful rice amalgamation: How does fried rice end up being a giant lump instead of, well, how it usually looks? We’re not really sure, and the person who made this might not know either. Hopefully, they didn’t eat this or force others to eat it. That would be a serious violation.
16. Taking St. Patrick’s Day too far: We’re going to go ahead and turn a blind eye to the fact that spaghetti is being served with a glass of milk, but we’re going to have to write this person up for taking something that in any instance usually looks pretty delicious and turning it into a green nightmare.
17. Criminal misunderstanding of what sushi is: Sushi soup? You know what else you could call that? Fish soup. Sushi is a pretty specific dish, and you can’t just add the word to any other dish to make it sound fancy. If it’s cooked and you eat it with a spoon, it’s not sushi. This is punishable by eating one tablespoon of straight wasabi.
18. Mislabelling “pigs in blankets”: We all know what a pig in a blanket looks like, right? Now that we’ve settled that, look at this picture and answer this question: are these pigs in a blanket? If you said ‘no,’ then congratulations! You can go free, if you answered in the affirmative, we have some more questions for you.
19. Propagating bad cooking as an accomplishment: Social media exists so people can share their finest moments in life, and sometimes their not-so-finest. However, trying to represent something that is a complete failure as a success has serious consequences. At least it should, because this sandwich is heinous.
20. Unlawful reversal of hot dog ingredients: Yes, this is exactly what you think it is. It is a reverse hot dog. Now look, we definitely live in a period of home cooks getting a little bit more adventurous with their food, but that’s no excuse to go and try deconstructing something as humble as a hot dog in your kitchen. This can result in massive bun waste.
21. Associating two completely mismatched foods: Bananas are a very specific fruit. There are certain things they pair well with, and a lot of things they should be kept far away from. One of those foods would definitely be eggs, so what are we looking at here? Looks like something that could get someone in a lot of trouble.
22. Potential hate crimes against vegetarians: Oh very funny, pizza place. Yeah, go ahead, laugh it up at the vegetarians who also wanted to have some pizza. You think bad pizza is funny? We’ll see how funny you think it is when you have to eat this whole thing to pay for your crimes.
23. Criminal misunderstanding of “presentation is everything”: You eat with your eyes first. If that’s true, then this meal would make your eyes very sick. Is presentation important? Absolutely, but there’s no need to try and fancy up a plate of fried fish with rainbow sprinkles. A bit of parsley does the job just fine.
24. Felony surplus of pepper: When used sparingly, freshly ground pepper can really brighten up the flavor of any dish. That’s why they usually put it right next to the salt. Overdo it, however, and you’re left with this, a terrible peppery mess that no one will enjoy. The punishment for this crime is a nasty sneezing fit.
25. This is less of a crime and more of a cry for help: Look, we may not be able to press charges for every terrible thing someone does in their kitchen, but if you want to eat noodles topped with mayo and dino nuggets, you should also consider the possibility that you need to grow up and eat a real meal. At least put some tomatoes on there.
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