Hello and welcome all to the Providr museum of pictures on the Internet. Due to the overwhelming amount of pressure but on by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Ghosts, we repurposed our Rock and Roll museum so that it’s now a safer space.
No exploitation of the dead here, we swear! Anyways, thank you for choosing to take the tour today.
Please keep all hands and feet to yourselves during the tour and mean comments about the tour guide’s weight will result in loud, incessant sobbing. If there are no questions, let’s begin!
1. Bliss. Our first Internet picture shows the guy who took the iconic Windows desktop picture holding the aforementioned picture in front of the place where he took it. Truly this is a piece of nostalgia that is certain to get likes. I mean that is certain to hit you right in your good ol’ nostalgia bone.
2. Dear Golly Graces! Our second exhibit features what car crashes use too look like in the 20s. Back then you see color had yet to be invented, so car crashes often looked black and white, or at the very least some shades of grey. How many shades of grey you ask? I’m not sure, I’m color blind.
3. Pinhead’s puzzle box? Not quite, however, it is a picture of grains of salt underneath a microscope. One may wonder if that’s how Marvel gets their ideas for their next all-powerful, over-described MacGuffin.
4. A, Bluetooth, 7, Triangle. Moving right along to our forth exhibit, which showcases the evolution of the English alphabet. Yes, I know you can read, but please be sensitive to those in the group who cannot. I’m talking to YOU, Scott.
5. The net is marble, too! Now before us, we see a beautiful sculpture done by some unknown master. No, not unknown because nobody knows who they are, but unknown because I do not have time to paw through every ancient Greek artist to find out who it belongs to. Maybe put it in the comments, I’m sure everyone will compliment you on how smart you are.
6. Animals, they’re just like us! What if elephants are just the souls of people reincarnated? What if those big, goofy looking creatures are actually versions of our loved ones? Wouldn’t be so fun going to the circus anymore, now would it?
7. Hiya, Georgie! Here at entry number 7, we have an exhibit that we have affectionately nicknamed: “nightmare fuel”. I’m not scared of silly clowns in the sewers, but a prehistoric death machine is a different story.
8. Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom. No, this is not World Ender’s new evil island, but actually a lava bubble in Hawaii. The picture was taken about 50 years ago and the Vindicators have only been fighting World Ender for about… 2 years now. The timing doesn’t even make sense, silly goose!
9. Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum! No, you cannot go to the bathroom. Just wait until the tour is over! Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted I wanted to comment on our ninth exhibit, this giant coming from the earth’s core to destroy us. Luckily, as we all know, giants turn to stone in the sun, so we were safe.
10. Woah sweet 1080 kickster, brah! Seriously though, you have to admire the tremendous amount of talent, planning, and timing that must’ve gone into our tenth exhibit. Well, that and all the face-smacking, concrete-induced concussions.
11. Fish are friends, not food. No dear tourist, I’m afraid that is NOT a picture, but rather an exceptional painting done by a very talented artist. We tried to get the actual picture, but the artist would not sell it to us under the grounds that a museum of pictures on the Internet would be “dumb”.
12. Don’t blame the moon. Oh ho ho dear tourist, it is NOT just a picture of the moon! Yes, I’m certain you’ve seen the moon many times, but have you seen it with the International Space Station floating by? I thought not! Now quiet, I’m trying to run a tour here!
13. Atom bomb baby! Now this one is very interesting, my welcome guests. It’s actually a picture of a single atom. Go ahead, look closer… closer… closerrrrr… WHAP! OH my god! I can’t believe you fell for that! Alright, click the next entry, ya little silly.
14. Baby on board. Oh cool, a baby coffin! Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding dear tourist, it’s actually a car seat. Had you going for a second there, didn’t I? No? It’s obviously a car seat? Gee, looks like SOMEONE is still a little shaken up over the whole “slamming your face into an exhibit” thing.
15. Don’t be koi with me! Yes, apparently the sewer lines in certain parts of Japan are so clean fish can live in them. Don’t feel so proud though Japan, your sewers may be clean enough to support measly old fish, but ours can support full-grown gators!
16. D’Awwwwww. I will be totally 100% honest with you, my wonderful tour group. I only put this exhibit up because of my deep seeded love for baby hippos. They are just such goofy, tubby little creatures with tiny wiggly ears. But then they grow up. Still as cute grown, just not very nice.
17. A strawpenny. Yes, this is, in fact, a picture of a 200-year-old coin. The trick is, you can only buy things that are 200 years old with it. That pretty much limits you to antiques, trees, and Bernie Sanders. Ooh! Getting political up in here, how high brow!
18. Nature reclaims the tracks. This, my dear tourists is a picture of Ukraine’s love tunnel, which you ride through on a train. Woah, listen Ukraine, I’d love to see your love tunnel but at least buy me dinner first! Still high brow, everyone.
19. The Ice Car cometh. The interesting thing about this exhibit dear tourist is what’s NOT pictured. Arnold Schwarzenegger actually drives this car around, which probably explains why he has such a blue complexion. It also sucks because Gotham has notoriously harsh summers. Even the Joker’s makeup runs!
20. Alright R-4, nothing too fancy! Originally this car belonged to George Lucas, but he sold it to some big corporation for 7 billion dollars. Well, hopefully, nothing bad comes out of THIS deal!!!
21. HALLELUJAH! Yes, dear tourist, this is a sight barely seen: a Reese’s cup that didn’t stick to its wrapper. I know you don’t lose much to the dreaded wrapper, but it’s still chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness I could be stuffing my face with! HEY! NOT my FAT face! What did I say at the beginning of this tour?
22. Hang it high! I apologize for that tourists, but don’t say I didn’t warn you! Now that my tears have sufficiently dried, we can move on to exhibit number 22. I only have one other pun about clothes hangers and here it is: “hang ten, bro!” Yes, hilarious indeed.
23. James and the Giant strawberry. A great little tale about THIS entry tour group is that the strawberry was so chalked full of GMOs it actually turned the eater into a strawberry themed hero! Yeah, it’s Marvel’s next movie, right after they quickly produced 17,000 others.
24. That’s wavy, baby! We are approaching the end of our tour now and I would like to remind the group once again to keep their hands and feet to themselves. SCOTT! I’m looking at YOU, Mister Man! Anyways, this court is great for skateboarding, not so great for basketball. So close, yet so far!
25. Dirty money. Last but not least dear tourists, we have a dirty dollar bill. No special story, just dirty and money is not usually dirty. Thank you for taking the guided tour of the Providr museum of pictures on the Internet. Please exit through the gift shop.
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