“And remember, it’s okay that you don’t exist”
Why are you even here? This congregation of low-tier… well, things. There’s really no better way to describe them, because they don’t exist. Or, at least in the eyes of the public your fellow group members are non-existent. The only reason they’re your fellow group members is because of the dumb court ordered you to do it. Dumb justice system, when have they ever done anything good anyhow?
Anyways, so here you are in this non-existence support group, surrounded by some of the lamest things you’ve ever seen. The woman running the group, Shelly, addresses everyone using her soft, midwestern voice.
“Okey-dokey everyone, let’s begin,” she says, shuffling some papers between her hands “now remember, sometimes life can seem cruel for making us non-existent, but there are plenty of things in this world that SHOULDN’T exist. And lucky for you, I have a handy list ready: here are 25 Things That Don’t Need To Exist, Please And Thank You”
1. This in-car deli. Alrighty then starting our list here folks is this guy cooking meat in his car. Now I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think this kind of thing should exist. Especially because your car would smell like dirty sunbaked meat and that kind of thing just makes me gag thinking about it.
2. This live car alarm. Oh, ya see this car alarm while pretty scary, probably shouldn’t exist either folks. I’m no snake handler or anything don’t get me wrong but I figure it would be pretty hard to corral once you had to actually get back into your car.
3. The way this rollercoaster is propped up at a local county fair. “Now” begins Sally “take this picture from a local county fair. Do you think it should exist?” There are various grumbly “nos” that come from the group. “And why do you think that is? Smallfoot, maybe you could tell us?” Smallfoot, the distant and less popular cousin of, who else, the Loch Ness Monster pipes up: “Because it’s dangerous and dumb?”
4. These “healthy and delicious” vegan snacks! “That’s very good Smallfoot!” says Sally smiling sunnily “and what about these vegan snacks? I mean, to each their own but I think that putting charcoal on food is just downright gross! What do YOU guys think?” There are nods and the occasional smile from the group.
5. This gathering of toilets. “Now I don’t know about you guys, but shoe trees exist in my hometown” says Sally “with good reason. It’s a great little way to place a memory of your older self, a great place for a community to come together and so on and so forth. A toilet, however, might be a little excessive. What do we think about its existence?”
6. This truck lurking the streets of Georgia. Well, my brothers and dad were hunters, so I can see the appeal in keeping trophies, but decking your car out in dead animals is really insensitive. Imagine a child seeing this on their way home from school? They’d be scarred for life dontcha know!
7. This dog faced African bat. “Oh for those of you scared of rodents, look away now!” the night time vigilante RatMan averts his eyes “This bat is a spooky creature from Africa. Look at how gross and scary it looks! It shouldn’t exist, am I right people?”
8. This mop sink used for defrosting chicken. “Does anyone know why this should not exist?” Sally asks the group. Slowly, the Canadian water monster, OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanana, raises its tail. “Yes, OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanana?” says Sally. With its underwater voice it replies: “because it’s unsanitary?” Psh. This coming from the thing that spends most of its time in Lake Ontario.
9. This snake-headed caterpillar. Oh yeah, this is a combination of two pretty big fears. One is a fear of serpents and the other is a fear of bugs. Why would the world deem it necessary to have something like that exist? Throw it into the dark unescapable void that is extinction, I say!
10. This truck and smart car combo. “Why would anyone do this?” Sally asks the group “Maybe it’s for the juxtaposition, but it kind of just seems like an inconvenience. What do YOU think, new member?” That’s when you realize Sally is talking to you. “Oh, um…” you start, wishing that you had listened “I guess it shouldn’t exist?”
11. This influx of frogs coming from the depths of heck. “Very good! Folks, I’d like to introduce our newest member. Now I think they’re a little sour because they’re court-ordered to be here, but why don’t we go around the circle and make them feel a little more at home? Just say your name and something you think shouldn’t exist. I’ll go first–” Sally does a little dance and happily preps herself: “I’m Sally and I think that black frogs coming out of a pool filter shouldn’t exist”.
12. This billboard trying to stop a very serious crime. “Hey there, I’m Smallfoot” the incredibly small footed creature from the Pacific Northwest starts. Seriously, this guy could be 10th-century Chinese court dancer his feet are so tiny! You can’t help but stare, which prompts a throat clearing and a glare from Smallfoot. “And I think billboards about incest shouldn’t HAVE to exist”.
13. This secret Santa gift featuring a dead rat. “I’m RatMan” the DC comics hero ripoff starts as he nibbles on a big piece of pizza. His costume is matted, stinky and patchy, which means he must be from New York. “And I think anything featuring rodents shouldn’t exist. I just think they’re so darn scary!” Which is why he dresses up as one every day. Listen, it makes a lot of sense if you read the comics.
14. This fishing rod from the 9th dimension (it actually just got struck by lightning). Next up is the long, Chinese dragon-like snake creature that is OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanana. He reeks of rotten fish and takes up a decent portion of the room. No wonder the world doesn’t want this guy to exist. “Hi, I’m OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanana, or OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanan for short. I just don’t want fishing rods in general to exist. They’re such a darn tease!”
15. This of a man “flirting” with his wife. Next up is the most chiseled, gorgeous man you’ve ever seen in your life. He has beautiful blonde hair, striking blue eyes and you can SEE his eight-pack from under his shirt. “Hello” he says, his voice smooth and silky like velvet “I’m a sexy internet troll and I don’t think women’s rights should exist at ALL”. Jeers and boos come from the other members of your group.
16. The way this guy carries refrigerators. Next up is what looks to be a beat up fridge. It glows a green hue of radiation and speaks by opening and closing its door. “Hello, I’m a fridge that can survive a nuclear blast. I don’t think the subjugation of fridges should exist at all, but the way this man is handling this poor man DEFINITELY should not exist”
17. The way this dough rose inside a dumpster. Next up is what you think is a muppet, but you can’t really tell. Sure it talks and walks like a puppet and has the trademark eyes and fur of a muppet, but it’s covered in gross boils. “Hey there” it growls, spitting and sucking in saliva “I’m Oscar the Gout. I wish dumping DOUGH in dumpsters didn’t exist, but here we are!”
18. The number of needles found in this shanty town clean up. The circle continues and now a skinny, yet regular enough looking guy sits looking at you. “Hello” he says, sounding somewhat normal “I don’t think needles should have to exist. They’re just a creepy concept overall.”
19. The shark swimming on the highway. The moderate user nods and passes it onto the next person in the circle, or rather the next thing. A huge, 20 ft Great White stares with its massive snout at you. “Hello, I’m a self-hating shark and I think we need to get those lazy, good for nothing fish out of our country! Using up our welfare, taking space on the roads and eating our kids! They’re useless killing machines I tell you, useless!”
20. This gigantic centipede. Once the self-hating shark is finally calmed down, the next creature that’s up is something you recognize. It’s a centipede! Wow, believe it or not, it’s grosser than in pictures! And for some reason, you can’t tell where its mouth is or where the sounds it’s making are coming from: “Hlar hlar, hlar hlar hlar hlar hlar” it says, clearly unable to use its mouth.
21. This totally real flavor of Captain Crunch. The last person in the circle is a regular guy. No quirks about him, just some dude in a golf shirt and jeans. He’s about as normal as “Oops, all tarantula eggs” Captain Crunch is not. “Uh… Hey there” he says “My name’s Greg…” he’s immediately cut off by a bunch of “nos” and “wrong, try again” from the fellow group members.
22. This disproportionate truck. Just like a truck that is constantly doing a stoppie, Greg’s protests to the group are pretty much useless. Excuses like: “I was in my pool, guys” and “It doesn’t even make that much sense, if you think about it” fall on deaf ears. Greg sighs, ready to reveal his perceived identity to you.
23. This weirdly shaped egg. “Hi, I’m…” there is a long silence as Greg pauses, working up the energy to say the next sentence: “I’m the creature from the blue lagoon”. The crowd goes “There you go” and “Finally” as Greg shakes his head. “And I think weirdly shaped eggs shouldn’t exist”. With that, Greg (or the Creature from the Blue Lagoon, rather) crosses his arms and sinks down into his chair.
24. This barnacle that looks like Cthulhu’s face. Well, it looks like you’re out of people. The entire group of misfit monsters is staring at you, waiting for a response. Like a barnacle that looks like it’s from the depths of the 9th dimension, you feel pretty strange.
25. This massage therapist. Well, like a back alley massage therapist, it’s time to reveal to the world why YOU’RE there. “After listening to you guys, I think I’m the most non-existent of all,” you say. Sighing, you reveal your true identity: “Hi everyone, I’m a person who enjoys reading Jake Bean’s articles and I don’t think back alley massage therapists should exist”.
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