In a tower on the outskirts of Transylvania, the Evil League of Evil sits around a pentagram table.
At the head of the table, the hooded figure removes its, well, hood. It’s you, or at least your evil alter-ego, the criminal mastermind known as Evilzor. “Our hold on society is waning,” you begin, “as more and more people lose trust in the law enforcement that we have instituted, our grip loosens by the day. Luckily, we have access to one of the most popular and respected websites on the entire Internet, Providr.com.” With that, you glance over at your hunchbacked, boil infested writer, Jake Bean, who sips a Code Red Mountain Dew and gives you a thumbs up.
“I propose we make the police officers of this country seem more human. We could do this by writing the 25 Times Police Surprised Everyone With Their Sense Of Humor article. Let’s begin.”
1. He’s about 6ft tall, light amount of fur, small snout, gives great belly rubs. After a long, excruciating, search featuring the national guard and the entire local police force, the owner was found to have gone to the grocery store. The next day, around the time the owner went to work, the dog had already returned.
2. Hiya, Georgie! Oh, Georgie, there’s all sorts of fun stuff down here! There’s high-speed chases, a TV spot on either campus PD or Cops and balloons! And they float Georgie, oh god yes they float!
3. That’s one grown doggo! Yes, I hear from experts that it’s better to teach big dogs that they’re big before they actually become big. Whew, I just said “big” so many times it’s starting to sound weird in my head. Big. Big. BIG.
4. Sorry hippie, looks like I’m taking your hummer! Then again, maybe that previous statement might be false. If they confiscated cars from hippies, then I’d assume the cops would all be driving a Prius. Maybe not as intimidating as a hummer, but definitely more environmentally friendly!
5. Alright, now I’m going to have to ask you to do the alphabet from M to Y. What do you mean you’ve only learned up to J? Step out of the car, please. Oh, Jesus, looks like Mary is drunk again. No, I don’t care if she gets pulled over, she’s 3 years old, it’s time she learned how to be an adult!
6. Wheee! But seriously, do you have a license for that raft? This gif was actually from a bunch of local police who were called to shut down a slip n slide on the 4th of July. Of course, instead of shutting down the slip n slide, they joined in. What a great display of community and humanity, seriously.
7. I’m almost 100% certain this joke has been used 999,999 times for this picture but it looks like I’m going to be the millionth. Here we go, for the 1 millionth time, the joke is… Alright baby legs, I’m partnering you up with regular legs. (confetti, streamers and fanfare play for the millionth time that joke has been used).
8. This, people, is exactly why you don’t sign into Facebook on your phone. Well, that and I would rather keep some of my pictures and files private. I don’t want to get into much detail, but let’s just say that Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill is going to get a major reboot…
9. Cars 4: Wait, there was a Cars 3? Wait, there was a Cars 2? For some reason, I vaguely remember something about secret agents and an Italian car. I think Larry the cable guy was involved at some point? Listen, I wasn’t even a fan of the first all that much, the semantics of the universe just made no sense to me.
10. Oh, he’s such a happy little guy with all that meth! Wait… Wait a minute… Rover’s drug habit would continue until the day he was fired from the force. That’s when he decided it was time to kick it. He went to rehab, got his life together and now has a beautiful family of puppies.
11. Snitches get stitches, buddy! Let me just put down all my information so that I can be credited with taking down my fellow drug dealer… Let’s see… my email, phone number, home address, Social Security… which drugs do I sell? Weird question but alright… and… done! Wow, good for me! This is a really good idea!
12. I tap one Plains and Sol Ring to enchant your local drug dealer with Shackles. YES! After all these weeks at Providr, I finally get to write an entry about Magic the Gathering. Now the whole world will know I’m a total loser nerd! Awesome!
13. Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. To serve and protect the pigeons, apparently. Why are my tax dollars going to housing birds? Last time I checked, Mike Tyson wasn’t in office! I’m just kidding of course and I say this because A) the police could arrest me and B) there is a very good chance Mike Tyson, ex-heavyweight champion of the world, could beat me up. Probably.
14. You’ll have to use a police stone to evolve him, though. As much as I might not like the average meme, I love the way the internet is handling dogs. While things like “bork” and “bamboozled” and “pupper” might sound stupid if you say them out loud, it’s just so darn adorable.
15. Slow down, eh? Apparently, this was a local police stop during a Canadian half marathon. As a Canadian, I’ve experienced a lot of these nicer, good-humored cops in my lifetime. While I can’t actually say the word here, I had one tell me to enjoy my “slang for McDonalds”. Or, McRichards, if you catch my drift. McDi–
16. I know pronounce you man and wife. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be held against you, but please try and save that for the honeymoon. Apparently, this picture was taken at a wedding where the bride and groom were cops. That’s where Jake is getting his joke from.
17. Pink handcuffs, cruising down the street. Waving to the girls, feeling out of sight, arresting all the drunks on a Sat-ur-day night. Apparently, according to this officer, handcuffs come in a variety of colors including yellow and light blue. She really likes to put the pink handcuffs on the men so she says.
18. A ha, a ha, what? Who does that? Certainly not me, I’m the manliest of men. Thank god there are no police around when I turn off all the lights in my basement. I’m sure the subsequent crashing of feet up the stairs would cause riot police to show up.
19. I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. Thanks a lot, Queensland Police Service, now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Alright, just gotta talk about something else to get it out. I bet she wishes she was magic too, like maybe if she had a rabbit in a hat with a bat… darn it!
20. Then again, if he had big hands… Alright, Jake, enough of that. Time to revert back to the family-friendly stuff for which Providr is known. Ahem… What could they possibly be talking about? His legs? His feet? I just have NO IDEA!
21. PPPPPPUUUUUPPPYYYYY POWWWERRR! I’m sorry if I triggered you Scooby-Doo fans, I know how much you people hate this character. I, on the other hand, think that the terrible animation and predictable plot lines disqualify it and, in fact, most Hanna-Barbera shows are the best cartoons of all time. Then again, I could still harboringing some resentment from all those years at camp when I was called Shaggy.
22. Context: The guy being arrested was talking to a local police officer when his parents texted to ask how was his time at college. His probable response: “A little TOO great, mom and dad!”. Their probable response: “Don’t come home, we’re cutting you off”
23. Context 2.0: Apparently, this poster’s iguana escaped through the back door. Its owner had to come pick it up from jail. Listen, I know that you people know me as a hack but I wouldn’t just put a picture of a lizard in a jail cell without context. Eh, you know what, I probably would. I know me.
24. WHEEEEEEEE get down on the ground, this protest is over! Alright, the protesters cancelled their walk because of snow. A little weak, but at least we don’t have to do our jobs today. The worst part is that we put on all our riot gear and now have nothing to do with it! What could we POSSIBLY do?
25. What? No, I just… er… have a lot of lizards? Well, the fact that you have a lot of lizards pretty much guarantees you’re a drug dealer. Check and mate, chum.
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