Life is hard. Sometimes, you just need some short and sweet jokes to get you through the day.
“Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”‘ (RodriguezAdam413)
“What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!” (Avocado_Toast)
“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house!
The chicken!” (KCfaninLA)
“Two men are out hunting, and one accidentally shoots the other. In a panic, he calls 911. “I just accidentally shot my friend! I think he’s dead! What do I do?!” The operator replies, “Okay just remain calm. First, go to your friend and make sure he’s dead.” After a moment of silence, a loud shot rings out. The man says “Okay I’m sure he’s dead. Now what?”‘ (poops_law)
“I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.” (DrBeardyFace)
“A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”‘ (Galbladderless)
“What did the monk ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
The monk gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it. The monk asks for change and the vendor replies “Change comes from within.”
The monk pulls out a gun. “Whoa,” the vendor exclaims. “I thought you guys were about inner peace!”
The monk replies, “This is my inner piece.”‘ (samael)
“The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” (PM_ME_UR_AUDI_TTs)
“What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.” (Melchiah_III)
“How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.” (fireworkslass)
“The Secret Service recently changed their presidential assassination protocol. Instead of saying, “Get down, Mr. President, they now yell, “Donald, Duck!”‘ (HousephD)