How’s the weather down there, shorty? Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding. We absolutely love it when you’re shorter than us ladies, and, from what I’ve heard from the women in my life, they like it when we’re taller too. It could be because we feel more protective towards something smaller than us, or maybe it’s because it looks better in pictures, but either way, it’s nice.
However, there are some disadvantages to having a short girlfriend. From always having to reach the top shelf to having you stand on our feet when we dance, these things can be both good and bad. Sure, our feet may hurt after weddings, but it’s nice to be needed by someone for our physicality. Especially if you’re a hunchbacked, sweaty, Sasquatch-looking being like myself.
So, let’s jump in together and see the ways a short girlfriend can be advantageous or disadvantageous. Hey, maybe you’ll recognize a couple of situations here! And if you don’t, then, my good sir [tips fedora and raises my glass of Mountain Dew in your direction], I’ll see you on /pol/, my fellow incel. Wait, am I allowed to say incel? Does NEET work? Whatever, see you on the internet my fellow hunchbacked, sweaty, Sasquatch looking-being.
1. Her best friend is one of these suckers. Then again, if they get a step ladder then they wouldn’t need our tall, lanky bodies anymore. Get rid of all the step ladders! Burn the heretics!
2. When she borrows one of your sweaters, it looks more like a dress. Hey, they look great to us in anything, especially our clothes. Maybe it’s a narcissistic thing? I wouldn’t look too much into it.
3. What? Who has an adjustable shower like that? Aren’t they usually fixed? I find the hardest part of showering with your significant other is getting her to share the hot water…seriously ladies why are you such shower hogs?
4. Whenever you take pictures it always comes out like this, if you’re a terrible photographer. Don’t people realize they can take pictures at an angle, or do you need an $8,000 film degree to know that?
5. Sometimes, you can make fun of her size, but not all the time. Remember, she can return the favor and it will be a lot more painful when SHE does it. Trust me, I get it a lot, it does not feel good.
6. You never drive her car, because THIS will happen. Then again, I’ve never in my life dated a girl who actually owned a car and I only know two who own one. And one of them is my mom.
7. You lose her in Ikea all the time and she’s always getting stuck in wacky places. What? How did you manage to get caught in the crawl space? Alright, jeez, I’ll call the fire department or should I just go get the vaseline again?
8. She makes the best armrest. Just post her up next to the TV, have her stand perfectly still and rest away. Hey, if you give her a really flat hat you could probably rest your beer on her head, too!
9. At concerts or events, you can never stand in front of her. What do you mean what just happened, it was some of the sickest pyrotechnics—Oh, that’s right. Trust me, it was REALLY cool!
10. So, you put her on your back and have her there for the remainder of the concert. Hey honey, is everything alright? (audible back cracks) No honey, it’s fine, I’ll be a paraplegic for the rest of my life, but at least you’re enjoying J-Cole!
11. She always gets caught in places. One day, you’ll come home from work and find your girlfriend hanging from a door handle or something. Maybe if you leave her there for a while, she’ll learn not to wear loose clothing.
12. Recognize this? Weddings, dances, hoe-downs, impromptu midnight dance sessions at lover’s peak to the tune of “Dancing in the Moonlight”, during all these situations, your short girlfriend may have to stand on your toes.
13. Then again, if you’re a soccer player, you could just have your girlfriend stand on your ball to kiss her. I am a North American, not a European or South American, so I go nowhere near soccer. You silly, backward entire rest of the world, don’t know the difference between real football (a sport that you play with your feet, hence the name, and which absolutely makes no sense as the name for a handball-leather-egg sport), and soccer. And you call us uncultured!
14. You’re always stuck holding the umbrella. And it’s always at a weird angle, too. Like, you’ve got to get both your heads so you put it up high, then she gets all wet so you put it lower but you smack yourself in the face and it’s like this whole thing. Ugh.
15. This is her point of view when you’re six foot or over. Jeez, you look like you’re towering over her, that must be terrifying! Fe Fi Fo Fum, I spell the blood of my short girlfriend! You look like the kind of guy Hulk Hogan would have a hard time body slamming. Okay, I think I’m out of giant jokes now.
16. This is what it looks like to hug her. There was a joke that people use to tell back in high school that girls who are small are a perfect size. Perfect size because they are so adorable when they hugged you! What were YOU thinking?
17. Seriously, what is with people and being so inept with photography? Haven’t we all had phones for so long we can understand how to take a proper selfie? Then again, there are so many different angles that are unflattering, maybe that’s the only one where she looks good. And trust me, in photos it is literally all about the girl.
18. Every tall guy needs a short girl. Then again, short guys and tall girls need love too. Hey, maybe we can set up a dating service for all those who don’t fall into the tall guy or short girl bracket. We can call it SizR or something. It’s a working title, but somebody get Silicon Valley on the phone. TJ Miller? Are you too busy calling in fake bomb threats every time a woman rejects you? I promise I’ll only rip on you for the Emoji Movie a couple times!
19. Wait, they have counters they can stand on? That’s it, no more counters and step ladders. All I have is my height and my car, do you really think my girlfriend would be with me for my looks or personality? No way!
20. That’s much better. Yes, suffer in your shortness. We are all you’ll ever need in terms of height and for reaching stuff. We’re all you’ll ever need for anything.