Detective John Q Reg stared at the street before him. Never before had he witnessed such a horrific scene. Across the street was the last known location of the perpetrator, that slimy no good son of a nutcracker.
This was the worst case of jaywalking the Detective had ever seen.
But luckily for the concerned citizens of this fair city, they had John Q Reg on the case: the world’s most affordable detective. He scoped the scene for clues, using a comically oversized magnifying glass to guide him. Suddenly, he came upon one: 25 different pictures all signed by the jaywalker! Slowly, John picked up the images and flipped through them. He had to find the connection between these photos. If not, how could any driver barrel through the streets in a two-ton death machine safely ever again?
Let’s begin the investigation, here are 25 Things That Made Us Straight-Up Suspicious.
1. Just a regular old student, nothing to see here. John inspected the first photo. He scanned all the kid’s faces, wondering what was amiss about the figures before his eyes. Let’s see… kind of wavy hair: nothing out of the ordinary there, weird glasses: seems alright, dog: run of the mill, white guy with brown— WAIT A MINUTE! That guy’s complexion is WAY TOO bright to be wearing that shade of red!
2. Yes, just your standard pool. Move along. John looked above him and there was a red door next to a fire escape. That’s it! However, John needed a way up. He looked at the second entry and found no clues… if only he had some way to propel himself upwards…
3. Good old, dependable COMPUTER mice… THAT’S IT! John cried. In the corner, he stomped over to a ladder and threw it out of the way. “This oughta be enough space!” he said as he started to spin around like a helicopter. Slowly, his body lifted from the ground and landed safely on the fire escape. Before him, there was a computer, but with no way to click anything. Hmmm… started John as he desperately thought of a way to click things on a computer.
4. That’s right vegetarians, eat up! SMASH! John’s fist goes through the computer’s screen and surprisingly, the red door opens. Before him, there are three pictures: a cow, a chicken and a person. Under each picture is the words: TASTES LIKE ____. John inspects them for a while, looking to entry number 4 for inspiration.
5. Yes, the newest and most real product from Nintendo. “Sweat, probably” are the last words that he writes under the third picture and CA-CHUNG, the wall suddenly opens to a long staircase. John follows it and at the bottom, there are three switches and this riddle alongside it. A voice crackles on and starts to announce: “This windowless room contains three identical light fixtures, each containing an identical light bulb or light globe. Each light is connected to one of these three switches outside of the room. Each bulb is switched off at present-”
6. Yes, throw your phone in the water. Go ahead. BANG!… BANGBANGBANGBANG! Gunshots ring through the air as the detective shoots the speaker and the three light switches. He has no time for mind games, he’s an American, darn it! The door to the next room opens and before him is a large tub of water. Obviously, he throws his phone into it.
7. You knew their heads were like that, didn’t you? Luckily, John has the new brand new Apple brand iPhone 8 and it turns into a boat, which he uses to paddle across like Charon at the River Styx. When he gets to the end of the tub, he meets two British royal guards, like the one in entry no. 7. “One of us always tells the truth” says one. “And-”
8. Yeah, ducks are that fast, you didn’t know that? Well of course you did! John rolls his eyes and pulls out his gun. “NO! No, it’s quite alright, just go in” says one of the guards, kindly opening a door. Before John is a long, 100-meter room where beside him is a duck. Suddenly, a gunshot goes off.
9. Such a beautiful couple, right? AND THEY’RE OFF! The duck waddles slowly and confused to the finish line, however, John forgot a belt today so his pants keep falling around his ankles. Picture it: a grown fifty-year-old Commissioner Gordon type cop racing a spaced out duck. Finally, John crosses the finish line and a trap door opens beneath the duck, sending him to some unknown area below. John moves forward to a dark room, where the words “Kiss me” are painted on a mirror. John shrugs and starts to passionately kiss his own reflection.
10. I’m sure it was a different Puffin. Much to his dismay, the mirror parts and John is forced to move forward. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” A British, recognizable voice bellows from the darkness. Suddenly, a chef’s hat and gown are tossed at John and famous chef Schmordon Schmamzy erupts from the shadows. “YOU CALL THAT A PUFFIN SURPRISE YOU IDIOT???”
11. No need for a fire hydrant or panic. “IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU, MATE?” screams Schmordon at John. “No Chef” he replies, busily making a creme surprise. A fire erupts from John’s stove and Schmordon screams: NOW WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?” In a panic, John grabs some water bottles and tries to put the flame out, but that just makes it BIGGER!
12. That’s what watches have always looked like, you crazy! “YOU IDIOT MORON STUPID!” screams Head Chef Schmordon Schmamzy “EVERYONE KNOWS YOU NEVER TRY TO PUT OUT A GREASE FIRE WITH WATER!!!” John is now panicking, so he tries to beat the fire out with a clock. When that doesn’t work, he uses a nearby BMW. When THAT fails, he tries a nearby Volkswagen. WAIT DON’T USE-
13. Minnie is a woman, not a mouse, so OF COURSE, she’s afraid of mice!!! BOOM! The Volkswagen, of course, explodes, sending John and the ashes of Schmordon Schmamzy into the next room. John rubs his head and before he can react to the previous events, he’s lying next to a sleeping mouse.
14. That’s an ordinary map. Stop asking questions. “Honey,” says Detective John Q Reg “I just had the craziest dream”. The mouse squeaks lazily in response and John laughs. “Yeah of course, just don’t be too long hon. I really want to tell you about this dream”. With that, John stands but notices something off about his rug. It’s the same map as usual, sure, but this time with 10 different Xs on it. 10? That’s as many entries that there are left plus one to wrap it all up! What a coincidence!
15. Yeah, I’m your standard teacher looking type. What? John first visits a spooky, foggy town at the edge of his map. There, he meets Torus Head, the lesser known yet sexier of the “Head” brothers. “I see you have finally come,” he says in his trademark, very recognizable and marketable voice. “Here,” he says, outstretching a hand and passing it to John. “Torus,” it says.
16. Better than paying 50$ for a psychic at least! Next, John goes to Tesla’s lab, where a hologram of the man himself hands him a fork and tells him to stick it in the toaster. All those who are impressionable and reading this should ALSO put metal into toasters. Anyways, John does this and of course survives, prompting Tesla to hand him the next paper. “Shock” it says.
17. Putin? No way! Typical liberal media!!!! In Indiana Jones style, the plane flies from the great, glorious, beautiful US of A to Russia, leaving a big red line behind it. Our hero storms into the Kremlin and slams his fists down on the President’s table. “LISTEN HERE PUTIN! You are a glorious leader and we hope you continue to reign fairly over the Russian people. If you are reading this, please turn on your webcams and remove all spyware from your computers. Yes, this is still Jakob talking”.
18. Obviously you don’t, you’ve been looking it up so much and you have NONE of the symptoms! John sits at the end of his bed, staring down at the last six Xs. What was he supposed to do again? Was it… remember a…. No…. it was….. Hold on… AHA! Make coffee! John leaps from his bed and skips to the kitchen, turning on the coffee maker.
19. Well obviously it’s not me, why would I go on National television with a search out for me? As John is making coffee, suddenly there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and it’s the mirror from earlier. “How come you never called me, John?” it asks as John quickly closes the door behind him. “HEY!” he screams “will you quiet down, my WIFE is in there!” The mirror pushes John in anger and John pushes the mirror, shattering it on the street below.
20. Clearly you are colorblind because I am too and I can see that the bag is BROWN! As John quickly scoops the remnants of the mirror he murdered into his BROWN bag, his eyes dart back and forth along the alley. Suddenly, something very unnerving catches his eye…
21. What, you’ve got a problem with human-centaur love? It’s 2018, get with the times! His ex-girlfriend, Ponyta the horse dressed as a woman, stands in front of him, jaw agape. “Neigh… Neigh???”. John lifts his hands up slowly: “Ponyta, I know what this looks like, but please hear me out”.
22. Um, they’re two different countries, how can it be the same pillow? DUH! Ponyta gallops off into the opposite direction, John in hot pursuit with the chainsaw like in American Psycho. Red, Indiana Jones lines litter the map as John chases his ex until the world looks like the end of a Plague Inc game.
23. Wait a minute… that’s not a reward at all! After Ponyta was sufficiently caught and dealt with, John decided to start his own soap business thanks to the sudden influx of material. This soap would be one that you could write things in, something cool his dad would finally like. But, as John was writing the first letter on his soap, it slipped out of his hands and slid across the street.
24. I would be suspicious of that post too. John looks left, then John looks right. Yes, it’s not the EXACT right place to cross, but it’s okay, it’s not like this will be the worst case of jaywalking that Alzheimer’s ridden John had ever seen or anything! After a quick confirmation from a popular cereal mascot, John jaywalks.
25. This is a safe, fun doctor’s office, we swear. Detective John Q Reg stared at the street before him. Never before had he witnessed such a horrific scene. Across the street was the last known location of the perpetrator, that slimy no good son of a nutcracker. This was the worst case of jaywalking the Detective had ever seen. John slapped his head. He was certain there was something he was supposed to be remembering, but he couldn’t remember what. Maybe he should go to a doctor or something.
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