Twitter has become a playground for amateur comedians to find and grow a following. Funny insights, clever witticisms, or snarky satire can quickly spread like wildfire, helping wannabe comedians grow an audience and launch their career.
One only needs to look at the comedian Rob Delaney to understand the true power of the platform for comedians. Delaney’s sense of humor was a perfect fit for Twitter and it didn’t take him long to amass a huge following. He went from a relatively unknown comic to a celebrity almost overnight.
While more established comedians were wary of using Twitter as a platform to share their jokes, comedians like Delaney saw its potential and used it to launch their careers. This list is a compiling of some truly funny tweets from some very funny Twitter accounts. While not all of them belong to amateur comedians, all these tweets do share one thing in common, they all end in unexpected, comedic ways.
1. If I was a rich man: What’s the best way to show someone that you’re completely indifferent to their existence? Well, how about finding a clever way to say you don’t ever think about them. Pakalu Papito is cold. Ice cold.
2. Won’t somebody please think about the children: Every parent has thought about. Don’t lie. You know what I am talking about it. Disowning your children. Sure it’s taboo in today’s modern society. But what if it wasn’t?! Have kids, don’t want them? Simply decide not to have them anymore. Save yourself the hassle of changing diapers and paying for tuition and take that trip to Europe you’ve always wanted to.
3. All about that bass: An endless stroll of pop music blaring through the radio might be what you hear if you ever find yourself in one of Dante’s seven circles of hell, or, as it was in this Twitter user’s case, a really bad coffee shop. Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Probably the coffee shop.
4. Setting a good example: It’s important for a father to set a good example for his child. For example, you don’t want your child to show up at a party and not know how to inhale. They could be mocked, bullied, or ridiculed by their peers. Take the father in this tweet, for example, he decided to show his kids how to get fired from your job. But he did probably teach them how to inhale, so I guess there is… ummm, that.
5. Stalking a good time: While we definitely don’t condone stalking, we will most certainly always laugh at stupid people doing stupid things. This well-mannered individual is one court order away from serving some jail time for not being able to let his past relationship go. He might want to consider signing up for grammar class, too, because it took us a few read-throughs to understand his hilarious, albeit creepy, tweet.
6. I touch myself: When the rock band the Divinyls sang their classic song ‘I Touch Myself’, do you think they were talking about the facepalm or something else? Ok, we know what they were talking about, but it is a lot funnier to listen to that song and interpret the lyric as a facepalm. Changes everything.
7. Veggie Tales: It’s really only a matter of time before our genetically modified food becomes self-aware. Our soon-to-be carrot overlords will enact sweet revenge for what we have done to their kind for millennia. One only needs to watch Seth Rogen’s ‘Sausage Party’ to get a glimpse of our genetically modified fate.
8. Grow up: Let’s face it, being an adult stinks. You pay an endless cycle of bills by going to your soul-crushing job every day. You have to eat healthy because your metabolism doesn’t work like it used to. You start to feel tired all the time but it doesn’t matter because your friends are too busy to hang out. Life just isn’t fun anymore. But not this guy, though. This guy knows how to have fun and live like a kid.
9. Threes company: In some cultures, it is very normal to have an affair. Maybe the gentleman in this tweet is European. In any case, his wife’s response to an unexpected meeting with his girlfriend seems to imply that she isn’t European. In fact, I doubt this guy has a wife anymore.
10. Lessons about anticipation and an important PSA: Dry lips are a sign you are nervous. That’s why we lick them when we are feeling anxious. However, there is one very important thing you should you know: If you are nervous, make sure the lips you lick belong to you.
11. Poetry to my ears: If you are a romantic person, don’t date someone with a dry sense of humor. They will just let you down. Birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, to the person with a dry sense of humor, these are perfect to times to crack unsentimental jokes.
12. This is your captain speaking: One of the most common stereotypes of airline pilots is that they like to drink. Their job can be stressful and nothing can help you unwind at the end of your day like some alcohol. At the end of the day, though, not at the beginning.
13. The favorite child: If you have siblings, you probably have felt at one time or another that your parents have had a favorite. Sometimes it’s very obvious, sometimes it’s not. If your parents never call you, but they always call your sibling, you’re probably not the favorite. Sorry to break it to you.
14. It’s the thought that counts: The scenario in this funny tweet is one we’ve all been in before. There is a bug close by you (maybe resting on someone you know), you can kill it with a swat of your hand or something else and risk missing it and having the now aggravated bug fly up in your face OR you can do nothing. I suggest the latter, but you do you.
15. Early bird gets the worm: Morning people. Is there anything worse? You know the type of people I am talking about. They’re the kinds of people who don’t cringe with horror when they hear their alarm in the morning. The type of people who jump out of bed singing show songs and don’t need a coffee to shake the fog of sleep. Yeah, I hate those people, too.
16. Jurassic Park: This tweet makes me think of those Creationist Museums down in Kentucky, where Jesus can be seen in displays riding on the backs of dinosaurs. If you ignore the science and live in a world of fantasy the world seems a lot more exciting, no?
17. Watch your spelling: Open Mike or open mic? Big difference. One involves a body under a spotlight, with a tool in hand that is meant to help lay bare everything inside a person. The other involves cutting a person open with a scalpel. Honestly, when I look at it like that, there isn’t too much of a difference is there?
18. Clean up in aisle 3: Working in a department store can have its perks. They are usually pretty big, which means you can hide from your boss (and the work they want to give you) pretty easily. One of the downsides, however, is when you have to clean up a mess some helpless customer left for you in one of the aisles. The person cleaning up this mess might need a hazmat suit, though.
19. Dungeons and dragons: Imagine if the items we wore had specific attributes that could affect our strength, intelligence, and health like in Dungeons and Dragons. Wouldn’t the world be a much more exciting and magical place? Yeah, reality sucks, doesn’t it?
20. Smack my head: One of my favorite movies is Zoolander. It tells the story of an ignorant and stupid male model who despite his ineptitudes manages to prevent the assassination of a political figure. The person whom this tweet is about could have starred in that movie alongside Zoolander. That’s how dense they are.
21. What could be better?: At first, you think this is just gonna be another bigoted tweet about gay marriage. But then you realize that this tweet is actually pretty, hilariously awesome. An inclusive society is pretty great. You know what else is great? Dogs. The world can be a pretty great place sometimes.
22. Is that really your final wish?: The ending of Aladdin has our eponymous hero grant Genia his freedom with his final wish. It was an act of selflessness and showed the true nature of Aladdin’s character. The man in this joke displays the exact opposite. Raise your hand if this would be you?
23. Meet the Magic man: I’ve always wondered what a magician is like in bed. Do they perform any of their tricks? Maybe a now-you-see-me, now-you-don’t kind of a thing. It ’s probably best that they don’t. I can just imagine all the trouble they might find themselves in.
24. Follow your dreams: Let’s face it, it’s best to temper your expectations about what you wanna be and do in life. In all likelihood, you probably won’t be a star athlete or a famous movie star. You’ll most likely end up just like 99.9999999% of the population: a lower-middle-class slob who binge watches Netflix and hates their job. If you want to dream big, then just go to sleep.