Good morning readers, it’s me, your curator and tour guide of the Providr museum. Well, at least I was, until it was canceled and I was put out of a job. See what happens when you people don’t immediately comment on Jake’s genius? Real lives get affected people, please for the love of a non-denominational deity just stroke his ego!
Ahem, sorry. Since my firing, I’ve been trying to set up a museum of my own to, you know, try to pay the mortgage. I’ve got a family of raccoons to feed too! But once again, I’m getting off topic. I think it’s all the cola. Anyways, considering all my expenses, the best I was able to set up for you today was a list of 25 Of The Funniest Wikipedia Edits By Internet Vandals, because all I can afford are print credits at the library. While we’ll be exploring these hilarious edits, I can also provide (please hire me back, I can’t take this anymore) for you some totally real facts about each of the entries!
Without further ado, please put $5 my Tim Hortons cup and let’s dive into 25 Of The Funniest Wikipedia Edits By Internet Vandals.
1. Year One was a masterpiece, I would argue it was Harold Ramis’ greatest film! Dear tourist our first stop in this rollercoaster of hilarity is this Taking of Pelham 123 synopsis edit. Hilarious as it may be, did you know that everyone on the Taking of Pelham 123 was actually holographic? Turns out, everyone was off watching and rewatching Year One, so they couldn’t be asked to act in the movie they had agreed to act in.
2. Take a lap, schmelts. Here in exhibit number 2, we see what could possibly be a disgruntled Oilers fan taking out his frustrations on the team. Did you know that star player Connor McDavid was actually an evil cyborg sent from the future to kill Sidney Crosby? Turns out, if Sid the Kid wins just ONE MORE cup the machines are going to rise and overthrow us.
3. O Britannia, Britannia rule the waves… No dear tourist, Britain has not become a right-wing dictatorship, I believe this was just some David Cameron critic being overly critical. However, did you know that David Cameron is actually married to a pig and it is custom for EVERY British prime minister to marry pigs? Yeah, it’s true for most countries in the Commonwealth. Just count your lucky stars you’re not an Australian prime minister, I hear those kangaroos can be rather aggressive.
4. I wasn’t really around for Muppet Babies, but I kind of wish I was… Ha ha ha, no silly tourist, that was not actually the plot for Muppet Babies. It was, however, the plot for The Walking Muppets, which, believe it or not, came BEFORE the Walking Dead. Some say TWD was a rip-off, I’m a purist so I too prefer the original.
5. That’s a very flattering picture, I’ve never seen her look so good. This is a classic case of mixed up siblings, as that is not a picture of Sarah, but a picture of her recently outed homosexual brother, Francois. Some say that being a gay frog is a choice or the result of chemicals in the water, but we regular minded people know the truth.
6. Him and his friends were all strolling down their cul-de-sac, all smoking illegal substances and drinking heavily. This very posh description of Snoop Diggity Dogg’s single “Gin and Juice” is sure to give us a chuckle, but did you know that was the way the song was originally supposed to be written? Snoop D to the O to the double G wanted to switch to a more upper class demographic, but his agents and record company said there was no way.
7. Uh… What? Sorry, we’re not British. Don’t worry, because as a curator I am well versed in the art of research. After looking on good ol’ Wikipedia, I found that she broke the news of a child’s death to searchers as they were searching, unaware of the fact that the child had passed away. Insensitive, indeed!
8. Yeah, and he made April lose her faith like 8 times! Seriously, I swear April is losing her faith in like every other episode. I mean, as a manly man, I cannot waste my time on such frivolous shows like Grey’s Anatomy. On a different note, I wonder what is their beef with him being black?
9. I hear that’s how they write family guy, except with manatees. There was a similar selection process at the College I went to. It was whoever could get across the hot coals the first would get in, all others would be put on the waiting list. Good thing I have calloused, worn out feet from all my years in museum curating!
10. Actually, if you don’t mind, it’s just the Doctor. I personally can attest to these facts, as Matt Smith and Karen Gillian have personally visited my museum before. It’s true, when we had Matt Smith come in for the images of the past article they popped by to see… oh what was the museum at the time… Rock and Roll stars? Anyways, they brought their 68 children too… why do you think we had to take that exhibit down? A rowdy bunch, British children.
11. What? You mean besides the piano? Actually, what they mean is Martin Solveig is actually two people, two entities constantly fighting over control of their body. It’s the Martin we know and love versus his evil counterpart, Sartin Molveig. Kind of like a modern day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
12. They never taught you that in science class! Yes, I’m afraid what they say is true. Luckily for us, we live in a Matrix-like computer simulation so we don’t have to actually experience the effects of the dreaded lunar eclipse. Hey, if Elon Musk says it, it has to be true!
13. Don’t worry Jason, we here in Toronto are feeling the wrath of the King. Did you see that buzzer beater in game 3? That’s when I knew it was over. I read a funny Bill Simmons tweet around the time of Game 2 and it went like this: “Toronto, the capital of the province of Ontario, is a major Canadian city along Lake Ontario’s northwestern shore. It’s a dynamic metropolis with a core of soaring skyscrapers, all dwarfed by the iconic, free-standing CN Tower. It’s owned by LeBron James of Cleveland, Ohio.”
14. That’s very good of you, Obama. It’s nice to know that our ex-President knew how to use the potty, but did you know that before running for President, Obama would have trouble putting the right shapes in the right holes? If you think that’s bad, I don’t even want to tell you what our current President couldn’t do before the campaign trail…
15. So boring dude, indeed. Yes, grammar can sometimes be boring, but did you know that grammar can sometimes… actually, there is no made up fun fact about grammar. This guy is right, in any language grammar is terrible. Trust me, I’ve learned and failed at 3 separate language classes due to the insufferable grammar. French, German and English.
16. Oh yeah, that’s right! I almost forgot about that! It makes one wonder if the Illuminati doesn’t allow divorce, because Queen B can do so much better than that alleged cheater. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t be mentioning the Illuminati in my article, they might come after me! Psh, I’m just kidding, of course, they’re not re–
17. Hey, that’s not a bad idea! Then again, how would you know which article he was writing on unless of course you pre-established that before he left the house? Then again, how would he edit Wikipedia without a phone, unless of course, he used a laptop? Then again, why wouldn’t he just use Facebook messenger?
18. And the bass keeps running running and running running, etc. The Black Eyed Peas, a group established in 1996 was originally supposed to be a hair metal band, but they accidentally released the wrong album. Then one day they released Behind the Front, just something they’d been jokingly messing around with, but it was a hit so they just decided to go with that sound.
19. Oh yeah, I had almost forgotten about that performance. Thanks, Internet! Please, you could never kill Mariah Carey with embarrassment. This is the woman who had her children born to a round of applause, the woman cannot be shamed!
20. Hasn’t he had some controversy as of late? Something about supporting Donald Trump? Who knows, but what I do know is that Kanye West’s earlier life was actually very interesting. Born in Bethlehem in a manger, Kanye grew up knowing that his mother must’ve cheated on his father because the two had never made love. Resentful towards women, he decided that should he ever be in a position to interrupt a woman in her shining moment, that he would take the chance immediately.
21. D’oh, gotcha drummers! That’s what you get for keeping a rhythm, you dumb idiot losers! I had a friend who dated a guy who claimed to be the best drummer in Toronto, which never ceases to confuse me. So you can keep the beat better than anyone else? Was there a competition? How is it judged, by speed or how beat-y your beat is? Ugh, I hate music.
22. The funny thing is I don’t know which of these is real and which ones are fake. Some of them are obvious, sure, but is “Mile after magnificent mile, right here. Right now.” for Indiana supposed to be sarcastic? Wait, hold on, I’d like to go on record saying I have nothing against Indiana, but is “magnificent” really the first thing that comes to mind when you think Indiana?
23. EVERY time? Gee, the guy must’ve either been really rich or had some really messy hair. His rival, Baxter Oldcomb, was always pulling tricks on him. You know, switching out his new combs for old ones and the like. It was a bitter rivalry that ended with both men dying in a brutal fight to the death with combs.
24. Wait, what? The Show Me State? I’m sure there’s a story behind that… However, due to the fact that it’s raining, we don’t really have time to research the fact before all the exhibits get wet and destroyed. So, let’s just say people from Missouri need to be shown something before they believe it.
25. Aha! I knew it! That’s why we don’t feel the dreaded Lunar Eclipse! Well, unfortunately, the exhibits have become wet, sopping messes and I can no longer continue this tour. I hope you enjoyed this little foray into an old format and remember– absolutely no refunds!
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